Night Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 So, I've thought of a story for many years and I want to make it real. I won't publish anything anytime soon, but I could want to start learning how to write so maybe one day the world can see it. But I need help, here is the doc to the book. ALotW means: A Laiteyn of the World. It's gonna be a big series( I hope) Warning : Blood, death, and some gore. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Jqkc-5H7ggB6W7g7NCwJJGB-lHNFcJc-8tZLSTGAX_w/edit?usp=drivesdk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PincerClaw420 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Hey there! I'd love to read the doc and maybe give some criticism, but trying to open it gives me the "Access is denied" screen. Am I just supposed to ask for access on there, or did you forget to set it to public? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 I think it's public now, thanks for pointing that out. I'm still learning about the app. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 So was the Prologue alright? Can I improve? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PincerClaw420 Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 8 minutes ago, Night said: So was the Prologue alright? Can I improve? It was way more than alright, it was amazing! The reason for the herbalist collars having a golden flower in them is pretty smart, and I specifically like the little bits of history sprinkled around! Not enough to paint the full picture, but enough to get you interested in this new world and how it works. The only real criticism I have (and take this with a grain of salt), is that the info dump of the kitten's personalities and physical traits in Chapter 1 could have been done a tiny bit better. If I was in your shoes and wanted to, say, show that Smoke is skilled at catching flying insects, I would have written a scene where she is shown swiftly catching a fly, adding a description of her physical features in the scene as well. (<<< just an example) But either way, I'm definitely enjoying the story and excited for new updates Best of luck! (Also I just read page 9, and this update further emphasizes my point on not painting the full picture but still getting you interested) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 Thank you! I thought of that as well and the chapter isn't over yet so, there will be more scenes involving the personalities of the sisters as well as new mysteries and doubts to Night's story, when I get this chapter done there will be a flashback to months earlier. Also the comment section is in the doc so if you have any questions or suggestions, leave them there! Thank you for reading this. Made my day happier :3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 And of course, I'll edit it when the whole book is done, and when that happens, the next one begins! And that continues until I'm better at writing and maybe, just maybe, I'll take a step further! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sky Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 11 hours ago, PincerClaw420 said: The only real criticism I have (and take this with a grain of salt), is that the info dump of the kitten's personalities and physical traits in Chapter 1 could have been done a tiny bit better. If I was in your shoes and wanted to, say, show that Smoke is skilled at catching flying insects, I would have written a scene where she is shown swiftly catching a fly, adding a description of her physical features in the scene as well. (<<< just an example) I have things I want to do right now so I haven't read the doc yet but I will later...but looking at this^, I have another recommendation: scatter everything. don't put every personality and physical trait in chapter one. spread them out, especially the appearance. put in the most important traits earlier on, but save the other ones for later. and like Pincer said, show don't tell (don't use the word "feel"). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katumai Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it is pretty decent so far. The only things I can really criticize right now is commas being where they shouldn't, overly long sentences, and a small story thing: The name 'Night' feels very out of place amongst the more niche (not like the game but the actual word) names that all the other cats have like 'Ghoa', 'Nela' and 'Sereneo'. Not a huge problem, but it did kinda throw me off I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I hope to learn more about how the society works, since so far it gives off Medieval vibes more than anything 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katumai Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 8 minutes ago, Katumai said: I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it is pretty decent so far. The only things I can really criticize right now is commas being where they shouldn't, overly long sentences, and a small story thing: The name 'Night' feels very out of place amongst the more niche (not like the game but the actual word) names that all the other cats have like 'Ghoa', 'Nela' and 'Sereneo'. Not a huge problem, but it did kinda throw me off I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I hope to learn more about how the society works, since so far it gives off Medieval vibes more than anything Alright I finished it, so to add on to this: Most of the problems are just not putting periods where they should be or using too many periods, but one thing I noticed was that the descriptions of things happening are a bit too simple, if that makes sense? Like: Instead of saying 'she slipped and fell' say something along the lines of 'but she stumbled, losing balance and falling to the ground' or something More of a personal preference, but I enjoy reading it a lot more than a short description That's all I've got for now, it's not amazing but it's not bad by any means either, with some work it could be a good story ^^ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 8 hours ago, Katumai said: And a small story thing: The name 'Night' feels very out of place amongst the more niche (not like the game but the actual word) names that all the other cats have like 'Ghoa', 'Nela' and 'Sereneo'. Not a huge problem, but it did kinda throw me off The names that the sisters have like 'Night' are supposed to be there for an important reason. It's something that impacted Nela's life and wanted to portray it in her daughters. She's got a little secret 😉 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 8 hours ago, Katumai said: Alright, I finished it, so to add on to this: Most of the problems are just not putting periods where they should be or using too many periods, but one thing I noticed was that the descriptions of things happening are a bit too simple, if that makes sense? Like: Instead of saying 'she slipped and fell' say something along the lines of 'but she stumbled, losing balance and falling to the ground' or something It more of a personal preference, but I enjoy reading it a lot more than a short description That's all I've got for now, it's not amazing but it's not bad by any means either, with some work it could be a good story ^^ The simple sentences have always been troubling me, but I'll try to work on that in the future. Can you give an example of the 'too many periods' and 'not putting periods where it should be' as well? I'd like to develop that. Thanks for the criticism! It helps a lot. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 18, 2021 Author Share Posted March 18, 2021 Chapter 1 is now done! Wow, I never thought it could cost that much, at all. So apart from the sisters info dump. How was the chapter? Any specific scenes I need to change? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 I've started with chapter 2 any thoughts on it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 Ok, so nothing I guess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 Like, nothing, at all? Or am I just getting ignored '-' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MATTRESS Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 On 3/21/2021 at 4:50 AM, Night said: I've started with chapter 2 any thoughts on it? 20 hours ago, Night said: Ok, so nothing I guess 1 hour ago, Night said: Like, nothing, at all? Or am I just getting ignored '-' they have probably haven't gotten online yet! you'll get a response 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irisflowering Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 @Night It looks good so far! I really like how you wrote Nela's perspective, and the part about 'pain, pain, then love.' I also thought the collar thing was really interesting! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 Chapter 2 Is now finished! From now on there won't be so many POV changes and the focus will be on the protagonist. I'm so happy .yay. Any criticism? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PincerClaw420 Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 2 hours ago, Night said: Chapter 2 Is now finished! From now on there won't be so many POV changes and the focus will be on the protagonist. I'm so happy .yay. Any criticism? I don't have any criticism, but as always, this chapter is amazing! I'll also have to agree with Shelai, I am very interested in the economy... (Spoilers)Poor Deel though, I hope his sacrifice won't be in vain.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 I swear I'm gonna be happy this whole month because of this comment. Also, Shelai is a character that was made for my cousin so I'm glad to hear that! Have a good day or night 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 1 hour ago, PincerClaw420 said: I'll also have to agree with Shelai, I am very interested in the economy... I've edited the economy part! Now it talks more about teeth. Which aren't gained from cats, but birds. It'll be explained why they have teeth, in the future. Do you imagine a pigeon with teeth? That'd be horrifying. Well, that is normal for these kitties! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted April 22, 2021 Author Share Posted April 22, 2021 New Update: I've changed the teeth in collars topic because... It just seemed like a warrior cats rip off from blood clan. Birds still have teeth and it is still used for decoring collars, but more objects will be attached to collars. For example: Feathers, flowers, bird talons, gold, animal skulls, etc. I've also edited the first message to put a warning, as this is going to be a kinda violent book. Still has wholesome scenes tho! Now, very important questions. Should this have pictures of scenes? And a map of Laiteyn? If so, how many pictures per chapter? Which scenes do you guys find that could use a picture? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Posted May 2, 2021 Author Share Posted May 2, 2021 Last Update: I am closing the doc. I have been slowing down more and more every day. And so I think I need a break. A long one. I'll be focusing on my mental health and grades now. And I am deleting the map because. idk. Someone might steal it and claim it is theirs. Goodbye to all for now. Thanks for your support. ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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