pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 Kris is the main protagonist of Deltarune and presumably, the human Hero of Light of the Prophecy. In a Dark World, they function as the party's leader. Kris excels at ACTing in battles, and wields a sword that can transform into a shield when DEFENDing. Kris is controlled by the player for the majority of the game. The few exceptions are brief cutscenes, or when they tear the SOUL out of their body. Contents 1 Profile 1.1 Appearance 1.2 Personality 2 Main Story 2.1 History 2.2 Chapter 1 2.3 Chapter 2 3 In Battle 3.1 Spells 3.1.1 Courage 3.1.2 Pirouette 3.1.3 HealDeal 3.1.4 X-Slash 3.1.5 FriedPipis 4 Relationships 4.1 Asriel 4.2 Toriel 4.3 Susie 4.4 Ralsei 4.5 Noelle 4.6 Berdly 4.7 Dess 4.8 Rudy 5 Gallery 6 Trivia 7 References Profile Appearance Kris is a teenage human who has no stated gender, and is referred to by others with singular "they/them" pronouns.[1] Kris has an amber skin tone and messy, shoulder-length dark maroon hair. They wear a long-sleeve lime shirt with one horizontal yellow stripe, and nondescript pants and shoes. One of Kris's distinct traits is that their long bangs cast a shadow that hides the upper half of their face. In the brief moments they tear the SOUL out of their body, their red eyes can glow in the dark. One of their red eyes is also visible for a few frames when they descend into a Dark World. In a Dark World, Kris's entire appearance transforms, making them resemble a knight. Kris dons silver armor: shoulder pauldrons, cuirass, gauntlets, and boots. They wear a navy blue bodysuit underneath the set, and a pink cape drapes across their right shoulder. Finally, Kris's skin changes to cyan, and their hair transits to navy. The shading for their skin is also used for their cape, giving the illusion of blue stripes in a few of their sprites. To the player, Kris consistently has a neutral expression. They seemingly stand straight during the majority of non-scripted actions.[2] Kris's expressions and movement is visible when they remove or has removed the SOUL. Personality During the events of Deltarune, Kris is mentioned to be an introvert.[3] Susie and King refer to Kris as a "quiet person," and Noelle is astonished if they converse about "anything."[4] After Kris's brother, Asriel, left for college, they are distant from their few friends. Kris's side of their shared bedroom is also strikingly bare. The shared game console is underneath Asriel's bed, and their old children's books are in Toriel 's classroom instead. Toriel has also mentioned that Kris is not normally energetic.[5] They have a history of not waking up on time, and often slept through the start of class.[6] Kris also preferred their mother driving them to and from school than walking.[7] Contrary to Kris's apparent detachment, they do have a variety of interests. Kris has always been mischievous, pulling dark pranks such as covering themselves in ketchup and claiming it was blood. For example, Kris has the option to keep flushing the toilet before or after going to school, with Toriel replying: "You did not put a bath bomb in the toilet again, did you?" Kris enjoys playing the piano. Prior to the game, they frequently played the hospital piano, despite it "missing most of the good keys."[8] They have searched for tutorials to improve,[9] and Red Big Mouth believes they can play the hospital piano "beautifully." When younger, Kris studied the occult with Catti.[10] They appear to still have an interest in this topic, as one of their search queries was "how to use magic." At the end of Chapter 1, Red Big Mouth and Toriel both comment on Kris's physical appearance. They cite that Kris seems "a little sick" and does "not look quite yourself" respectively. It is implied the SOUL is the reason, though the exact cause is unknown. Notably, Kris wants to be perceived as "normal" despite Toriel's concern.[11] Kris is shown to have a significant amount of agency outside of the player's choices. This is most clearly shown in scenes where Kris rips the SOUL out of their body, but also in how characters react to Kris's dialogue choices: occasionally, the player may make a choice that other characters note sounds like Kris is straining to say. Kris is also shown performing actions independently of the player's control, including protecting Susie from King or awkwardly trying to escape the Sweet Cap'n Cakes fight with Ralsei and Susie, showing their friendship with the two exists outside of the player's influence. Additionally, there are some instances in Chapter 2 where Kris stops inspecting something relating to their home life, preventing the player from learning more: when inspecting Asriel's room in Queen's Mansion, Kris closes their eyes before peeking into Asriel's room in the Guest Hall; when inspecting an article about Asgore's firing and Undyne's promotion, Kris intentionally stops reading before the reason is given. The separation between the player and Kris is most clearly shown in the Snowgrave Route, where it is heavily implied Kris's actions are being done by the player against their will. Noelle describes the voice she heard giving her orders as terrifying, noting Kris has been acting very strange lately. When Kris reunites with the party after defeating Berdly, Susie and Ralsei immediately notice Kris appears distraught. Another instance of this happens in the normal route of Chapter 2, where after defeating Spamton NEO, Susie notices Kris appearing to be in shock. If the player responds to Susie that they’re okay by saying Yes, Kris strainly responds, making Susie think that they’re not okay; if the player responds to Susie by saying No, Kris yells out the response, concerning Susie and Ralsei. This heavily implies that Spamton's dialogue during his boss fight about being a puppet and cutting his strings to be free deeply resonated with Kris, since they know what it’s like to be a puppet, due to them being possessed by the player; and made them feel some form of fear. Main Story History Years ago, Kris was adopted by the Dreemurrs, and grew up in a loving family. However, as the only human child in Hometown, Kris often felt like an outsider. Kris had asked their adoptive parents when their "horns were going to grow in." Toriel and Asgore bought a headband with red horns for Kris, who wore it for months until they one day stopped. Growing up, Kris became very close with their older brother, Asriel. The two often explored the forests around town with their neighbors, Dess and Noelle. While the four were close friends, Kris and Noelle grew apart over the years. The cause for this is unknown. Kris had also wanted to befriend Bratty, as she was one of the "big kids." They willingly complied, and retrieved food for her until she became sick. At some point, Toriel and Asgore became divorced. While their family was broken, Kris and Asriel remained inseparable. On occasion, Asriel would buy Kris a hot chocolate at QC's Diner, something they used to do together as a whole family. One day, Asriel had to go away to college, leaving Kris alone and without many friends. Chapter 1 Kris is first encountered when they are awoken by Toriel for school. When followed outside, Toriel drives Kris to school, leading to a short tour of Hometown. Kris, being late to class, is told by Professor Alphys to pick a group partner. When Noelle is asked, she checks with Alphys about letting Kris join her group with Berdly, though Susie barges into the classroom, interrupting the proceedings. Kris then gets paired up with Susie. Afterward, Alphys realizes there is no chalk for her to teach class with and sends Susie to go get some from the supply closet. She then asks Kris to go with her. In the hallway, Kris witnesses Susie eating a piece of chalk. Once Susie realizes Kris is there, she approaches them menacingly, slamming them against a locker, and threatens to eat their face. She then drops Kris on the ground, stating that Kris has a good mother and said "it'd be a shame to make her bury her child." Kris and Susie enter the supply closet, which turns out to be the entrance to a Dark World. Kris awakens with their street clothes having been exchanged for armor and a cloak, and their skin now a bluish hue. After some exploration Susie is found hiding in a pile of dust. After a bit more walking, Kris and Susie are attacked by a mysterious figure, who is later revealed to be Lancer. After escaping, they come across Castle Town and encounter Ralsei. Lancer then interrupts Ralsei, accosts Kris and Susie and fights them for the first time. After the fight, Susie leaves on her own in an attempt to find her way out of the Dark World, leaving Kris and Ralsei on their own. Eventually, Kris and Ralsei catch up with Susie, who begrudgingly rejoins the party. After numerous encounters with Lancer and getting mad at Ralsei for telling her not to fight, Susie decides to join Lancer instead for a while. This culminates in an encounter between Kris and Ralsei versus Susie and Lancer. At the conclusion of the fight, Susie once again rejoins the party, and Lancer tags along. Eventually, Lancer grows uncomfortable with the situation and runs off towards Card Castle. Kris and the party attempt to follow him, but some of King's soldiers capture them. Ralsei and Kris wake up in a prison cell together, but the two quickly realize that Susie is being kept in an adjacent cell. Kris manages to guide Susie through a puzzle, unlocking her cell and allowing her to escape. After a confrontation with Lancer, Susie is able to release Kris and Ralsei from prison. After making their way up Card Castle, Kris and the party face off against the King. After the fight, King deceives the party into believing he is willing to redeem himself, resulting in the party being cornered. Kris jumps in front of Susie to protect her, but is knocked back by another blow. King approaches Kris and, after taunting them, lifts them into the air, ready to kill them. Regardless of how the King was initially defeated, either Lancer and the King's subjects rescue the party, or Susie distracts King long enough for Ralsei to cast Pacify on the King, putting him to sleep. Which outcome occurs is based on whether or not the party harmed any of the denizens of the Dark World prior to facing the King (except for Jevil, Lancer himself and the first C. Round). After saying goodbye to Ralsei, Kris is able to seal the Dark Fountain and return home, along with Susie. Kris can then choose to explore Hometown and speak to the inhabitants. Once Kris returns home and goes to bed, the adventure is over. At some point in the middle of the night, Kris tosses and turns in bed, only to suddenly leap from their covers and jerkily make their way into the center of their room. As they stand on the carpet, Kris slowly raises their arm before violently tearing out their SOUL from their body and forcefully tossing it into a cage in the corner of the room. The SOUL can be moved in the cage, indicating that the player controls the SOUL, not Kris. Kris brandishes a knife that glistens in the light from the window before turning their head and smiling menacingly with their eye flashing red, similarly to the ending of a "soulless" True Pacifist Route in Undertale. The game then cuts to black. Chapter 2 At the beginning of this chapter, Toriel rushes up to Kris's room, having noticed a knife in the pie. She believes that Kris had decided to sneakily eat it whole while she was asleep. She laughs it off, though, suggesting she should lock the oven in the future, before they both set off to school once again. Later, Kris goes to school and enters the Dark World again with Susie. They meet Ralsei and explore the Castle Town. Eventually, Susie mentions they have homework to do, prompting Ralsei to banish them from the Dark World until their homework is done. They go to the Library, only to find another Dark World awaiting them, and jump into it, this time with Noelle and Berdly. They soon meet Queen, who acts as the main antagonist for this chapter. She captures Noelle, while Berdly switches to her side voluntarily. Eventually, Kris splits up with the other party members and rescues Noelle. In Kris's company, Noelle starts to learn to be less fearful, accentuating one of the game's themes of personal development. Later, after the entire party gets thrown into the Queen's guest rooms, Berdly learns to be less arrogant after a similar fashion. The final boss fight begins with both parties turning into mechas, and then combat proceeds in the style of a fighting game. Kris seals the Dark Fountain of this world, and the Lightners all return to the Light World. After walking through Hometown, Kris goes home and Toriel invites Susie to spend the night at her house. She sends the pair to wash their hands. When Kris goes to the bathroom, as soon as they turn the water on, they collapse, raise one hand up and rip out their SOUL again and escape through the window. After a chat between Toriel and Susie, Kris returns to the bathroom washes their hands and regresses their SOUL. It is later learned that the tires on Toriel's car have been slashed. At the end of Chapter 2, after Susie (who ended up sleeping at their house) and Toriel are both asleep, Kris opens a Dark Fountain using their knife, presumably using their Determination and willpower as hinted at by the Queen. Whether this means that Kris is actually the Knight is unclear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 PEEPEE STOP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 Kris is the main protagonist of Deltarune and presumably, the human Hero of Light of the Prophecy. In a Dark World, they function as the party's leader. Kris excels at ACTing in battles, and wields a sword that can transform into a shield when DEFENDing. Kris is controlled by the player for the majority of the game. The few exceptions are brief cutscenes, or when they tear the SOUL out of their body. Contents 1 Profile 1.1 Appearance 1.2 Personality 2 Main Story 2.1 History 2.2 Chapter 1 2.3 Chapter 2 3 In Battle 3.1 Spells 3.1.1 Courage 3.1.2 Pirouette 3.1.3 HealDeal 3.1.4 X-Slash 3.1.5 FriedPipis 4 Relationships 4.1 Asriel 4.2 Toriel 4.3 Susie 4.4 Ralsei 4.5 Noelle 4.6 Berdly 4.7 Dess 4.8 Rudy 5 Gallery 6 Trivia 7 References Profile Appearance Kris is a teenage human who has no stated gender, and is referred to by others with singular "they/them" pronouns.[1] Kris has an amber skin tone and messy, shoulder-length dark maroon hair. They wear a long-sleeve lime shirt with one horizontal yellow stripe, and nondescript pants and shoes. One of Kris's distinct traits is that their long bangs cast a shadow that hides the upper half of their face. In the brief moments they tear the SOUL out of their body, their red eyes can glow in the dark. One of their red eyes is also visible for a few frames when they descend into a Dark World. In a Dark World, Kris's entire appearance transforms, making them resemble a knight. Kris dons silver armor: shoulder pauldrons, cuirass, gauntlets, and boots. They wear a navy blue bodysuit underneath the set, and a pink cape drapes across their right shoulder. Finally, Kris's skin changes to cyan, and their hair transits to navy. The shading for their skin is also used for their cape, giving the illusion of blue stripes in a few of their sprites. To the player, Kris consistently has a neutral expression. They seemingly stand straight during the majority of non-scripted actions.[2] Kris's expressions and movement is visible when they remove or has removed the SOUL. Personality During the events of Deltarune, Kris is mentioned to be an introvert.[3] Susie and King refer to Kris as a "quiet person," and Noelle is astonished if they converse about "anything."[4] After Kris's brother, Asriel, left for college, they are distant from their few friends. Kris's side of their shared bedroom is also strikingly bare. The shared game console is underneath Asriel's bed, and their old children's books are in Toriel 's classroom instead. Toriel has also mentioned that Kris is not normally energetic.[5] They have a history of not waking up on time, and often slept through the start of class.[6] Kris also preferred their mother driving them to and from school than walking.[7] Contrary to Kris's apparent detachment, they do have a variety of interests. Kris has always been mischievous, pulling dark pranks such as covering themselves in ketchup and claiming it was blood. For example, Kris has the option to keep flushing the toilet before or after going to school, with Toriel replying: "You did not put a bath bomb in the toilet again, did you?" Kris enjoys playing the piano. Prior to the game, they frequently played the hospital piano, despite it "missing most of the good keys."[8] They have searched for tutorials to improve,[9] and Red Big Mouth believes they can play the hospital piano "beautifully." When younger, Kris studied the occult with Catti.[10] They appear to still have an interest in this topic, as one of their search queries was "how to use magic." At the end of Chapter 1, Red Big Mouth and Toriel both comment on Kris's physical appearance. They cite that Kris seems "a little sick" and does "not look quite yourself" respectively. It is implied the SOUL is the reason, though the exact cause is unknown. Notably, Kris wants to be perceived as "normal" despite Toriel's concern.[11] Kris is shown to have a significant amount of agency outside of the player's choices. This is most clearly shown in scenes where Kris rips the SOUL out of their body, but also in how characters react to Kris's dialogue choices: occasionally, the player may make a choice that other characters note sounds like Kris is straining to say. Kris is also shown performing actions independently of the player's control, including protecting Susie from King or awkwardly trying to escape the Sweet Cap'n Cakes fight with Ralsei and Susie, showing their friendship with the two exists outside of the player's influence. Additionally, there are some instances in Chapter 2 where Kris stops inspecting something relating to their home life, preventing the player from learning more: when inspecting Asriel's room in Queen's Mansion, Kris closes their eyes before peeking into Asriel's room in the Guest Hall; when inspecting an article about Asgore's firing and Undyne's promotion, Kris intentionally stops reading before the reason is given. The separation between the player and Kris is most clearly shown in the Snowgrave Route, where it is heavily implied Kris's actions are being done by the player against their will. Noelle describes the voice she heard giving her orders as terrifying, noting Kris has been acting very strange lately. When Kris reunites with the party after defeating Berdly, Susie and Ralsei immediately notice Kris appears distraught. Another instance of this happens in the normal route of Chapter 2, where after defeating Spamton NEO, Susie notices Kris appearing to be in shock. If the player responds to Susie that they’re okay by saying Yes, Kris strainly responds, making Susie think that they’re not okay; if the player responds to Susie by saying No, Kris yells out the response, concerning Susie and Ralsei. This heavily implies that Spamton's dialogue during his boss fight about being a puppet and cutting his strings to be free deeply resonated with Kris, since they know what it’s like to be a puppet, due to them being possessed by the player; and made them feel some form of fear. Main Story History Years ago, Kris was adopted by the Dreemurrs, and grew up in a loving family. However, as the only human child in Hometown, Kris often felt like an outsider. Kris had asked their adoptive parents when their "horns were going to grow in." Toriel and Asgore bought a headband with red horns for Kris, who wore it for months until they one day stopped. Growing up, Kris became very close with their older brother, Asriel. The two often explored the forests around town with their neighbors, Dess and Noelle. While the four were close friends, Kris and Noelle grew apart over the years. The cause for this is unknown. Kris had also wanted to befriend Bratty, as she was one of the "big kids." They willingly complied, and retrieved food for her until she became sick. At some point, Toriel and Asgore became divorced. While their family was broken, Kris and Asriel remained inseparable. On occasion, Asriel would buy Kris a hot chocolate at QC's Diner, something they used to do together as a whole family. One day, Asriel had to go away to college, leaving Kris alone and without many friends. Chapter 1 Kris is first encountered when they are awoken by Toriel for school. When followed outside, Toriel drives Kris to school, leading to a short tour of Hometown. Kris, being late to class, is told by Professor Alphys to pick a group partner. When Noelle is asked, she checks with Alphys about letting Kris join her group with Berdly, though Susie barges into the classroom, interrupting the proceedings. Kris then gets paired up with Susie. Afterward, Alphys realizes there is no chalk for her to teach class with and sends Susie to go get some from the supply closet. She then asks Kris to go with her. In the hallway, Kris witnesses Susie eating a piece of chalk. Once Susie realizes Kris is there, she approaches them menacingly, slamming them against a locker, and threatens to eat their face. She then drops Kris on the ground, stating that Kris has a good mother and said "it'd be a shame to make her bury her child." Kris and Susie enter the supply closet, which turns out to be the entrance to a Dark World. Kris awakens with their street clothes having been exchanged for armor and a cloak, and their skin now a bluish hue. After some exploration Susie is found hiding in a pile of dust. After a bit more walking, Kris and Susie are attacked by a mysterious figure, who is later revealed to be Lancer. After escaping, they come across Castle Town and encounter Ralsei. Lancer then interrupts Ralsei, accosts Kris and Susie and fights them for the first time. After the fight, Susie leaves on her own in an attempt to find her way out of the Dark World, leaving Kris and Ralsei on their own. Eventually, Kris and Ralsei catch up with Susie, who begrudgingly rejoins the party. After numerous encounters with Lancer and getting mad at Ralsei for telling her not to fight, Susie decides to join Lancer instead for a while. This culminates in an encounter between Kris and Ralsei versus Susie and Lancer. At the conclusion of the fight, Susie once again rejoins the party, and Lancer tags along. Eventually, Lancer grows uncomfortable with the situation and runs off towards Card Castle. Kris and the party attempt to follow him, but some of King's soldiers capture them. Ralsei and Kris wake up in a prison cell together, but the two quickly realize that Susie is being kept in an adjacent cell. Kris manages to guide Susie through a puzzle, unlocking her cell and allowing her to escape. After a confrontation with Lancer, Susie is able to release Kris and Ralsei from prison. After making their way up Card Castle, Kris and the party face off against the King. After the fight, King deceives the party into believing he is willing to redeem himself, resulting in the party being cornered. Kris jumps in front of Susie to protect her, but is knocked back by another blow. King approaches Kris and, after taunting them, lifts them into the air, ready to kill them. Regardless of how the King was initially defeated, either Lancer and the King's subjects rescue the party, or Susie distracts King long enough for Ralsei to cast Pacify on the King, putting him to sleep. Which outcome occurs is based on whether or not the party harmed any of the denizens of the Dark World prior to facing the King (except for Jevil, Lancer himself and the first C. Round). After saying goodbye to Ralsei, Kris is able to seal the Dark Fountain and return home, along with Susie. Kris can then choose to explore Hometown and speak to the inhabitants. Once Kris returns home and goes to bed, the adventure is over. At some point in the middle of the night, Kris tosses and turns in bed, only to suddenly leap from their covers and jerkily make their way into the center of their room. As they stand on the carpet, Kris slowly raises their arm before violently tearing out their SOUL from their body and forcefully tossing it into a cage in the corner of the room. The SOUL can be moved in the cage, indicating that the player controls the SOUL, not Kris. Kris brandishes a knife that glistens in the light from the window before turning their head and smiling menacingly with their eye flashing red, similarly to the ending of a "soulless" True Pacifist Route in Undertale. The game then cuts to black. Chapter 2 At the beginning of this chapter, Toriel rushes up to Kris's room, having noticed a knife in the pie. She believes that Kris had decided to sneakily eat it whole while she was asleep. She laughs it off, though, suggesting she should lock the oven in the future, before they both set off to school once again. Later, Kris goes to school and enters the Dark World again with Susie. They meet Ralsei and explore the Castle Town. Eventually, Susie mentions they have homework to do, prompting Ralsei to banish them from the Dark World until their homework is done. They go to the Library, only to find another Dark World awaiting them, and jump into it, this time with Noelle and Berdly. They soon meet Queen, who acts as the main antagonist for this chapter. She captures Noelle, while Berdly switches to her side voluntarily. Eventually, Kris splits up with the other party members and rescues Noelle. In Kris's company, Noelle starts to learn to be less fearful, accentuating one of the game's themes of personal development. Later, after the entire party gets thrown into the Queen's guest rooms, Berdly learns to be less arrogant after a similar fashion. The final boss fight begins with both parties turning into mechas, and then combat proceeds in the style of a fighting game. Kris seals the Dark Fountain of this world, and the Lightners all return to the Light World. After walking through Hometown, Kris goes home and Toriel invites Susie to spend the night at her house. She sends the pair to wash their hands. When Kris goes to the bathroom, as soon as they turn the water on, they collapse, raise one hand up and rip out their SOUL again and escape through the window. After a chat between Toriel and Susie, Kris returns to the bathroom washes their hands and regresses their SOUL. It is later learned that the tires on Toriel's car have been slashed. At the end of Chapter 2, after Susie (who ended up sleeping at their house) and Toriel are both asleep, Kris opens a Dark Fountain using their knife, presumably using their Determination and willpower as hinted at by the Queen. Whether this means that Kris is actually the Knight is unclear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 Kris is the main protagonist of Deltarune and presumably, the human Hero of Light of the Prophecy. In a Dark World, they function as the party's leader. Kris excels at ACTing in battles, and wields a sword that can transform into a shield when DEFENDing. Kris is controlled by the player for the majority of the game. The few exceptions are brief cutscenes, or when they tear the SOUL out of their body. Contents 1 Profile 1.1 Appearance 1.2 Personality 2 Main Story 2.1 History 2.2 Chapter 1 2.3 Chapter 2 3 In Battle 3.1 Spells 3.1.1 Courage 3.1.2 Pirouette 3.1.3 HealDeal 3.1.4 X-Slash 3.1.5 FriedPipis 4 Relationships 4.1 Asriel 4.2 Toriel 4.3 Susie 4.4 Ralsei 4.5 Noelle 4.6 Berdly 4.7 Dess 4.8 Rudy 5 Gallery 6 Trivia 7 References Profile Appearance Kris is a teenage human who has no stated gender, and is referred to by others with singular "they/them" pronouns.[1] Kris has an amber skin tone and messy, shoulder-length dark maroon hair. They wear a long-sleeve lime shirt with one horizontal yellow stripe, and nondescript pants and shoes. One of Kris's distinct traits is that their long bangs cast a shadow that hides the upper half of their face. In the brief moments they tear the SOUL out of their body, their red eyes can glow in the dark. One of their red eyes is also visible for a few frames when they descend into a Dark World. In a Dark World, Kris's entire appearance transforms, making them resemble a knight. Kris dons silver armor: shoulder pauldrons, cuirass, gauntlets, and boots. They wear a navy blue bodysuit underneath the set, and a pink cape drapes across their right shoulder. Finally, Kris's skin changes to cyan, and their hair transits to navy. The shading for their skin is also used for their cape, giving the illusion of blue stripes in a few of their sprites. To the player, Kris consistently has a neutral expression. They seemingly stand straight during the majority of non-scripted actions.[2] Kris's expressions and movement is visible when they remove or has removed the SOUL. Personality During the events of Deltarune, Kris is mentioned to be an introvert.[3] Susie and King refer to Kris as a "quiet person," and Noelle is astonished if they converse about "anything."[4] After Kris's brother, Asriel, left for college, they are distant from their few friends. Kris's side of their shared bedroom is also strikingly bare. The shared game console is underneath Asriel's bed, and their old children's books are in Toriel 's classroom instead. Toriel has also mentioned that Kris is not normally energetic.[5] They have a history of not waking up on time, and often slept through the start of class.[6] Kris also preferred their mother driving them to and from school than walking.[7] Contrary to Kris's apparent detachment, they do have a variety of interests. Kris has always been mischievous, pulling dark pranks such as covering themselves in ketchup and claiming it was blood. For example, Kris has the option to keep flushing the toilet before or after going to school, with Toriel replying: "You did not put a bath bomb in the toilet again, did you?" Kris enjoys playing the piano. Prior to the game, they frequently played the hospital piano, despite it "missing most of the good keys."[8] They have searched for tutorials to improve,[9] and Red Big Mouth believes they can play the hospital piano "beautifully." When younger, Kris studied the occult with Catti.[10] They appear to still have an interest in this topic, as one of their search queries was "how to use magic." At the end of Chapter 1, Red Big Mouth and Toriel both comment on Kris's physical appearance. They cite that Kris seems "a little sick" and does "not look quite yourself" respectively. It is implied the SOUL is the reason, though the exact cause is unknown. Notably, Kris wants to be perceived as "normal" despite Toriel's concern.[11] Kris is shown to have a significant amount of agency outside of the player's choices. This is most clearly shown in scenes where Kris rips the SOUL out of their body, but also in how characters react to Kris's dialogue choices: occasionally, the player may make a choice that other characters note sounds like Kris is straining to say. Kris is also shown performing actions independently of the player's control, including protecting Susie from King or awkwardly trying to escape the Sweet Cap'n Cakes fight with Ralsei and Susie, showing their friendship with the two exists outside of the player's influence. Additionally, there are some instances in Chapter 2 where Kris stops inspecting something relating to their home life, preventing the player from learning more: when inspecting Asriel's room in Queen's Mansion, Kris closes their eyes before peeking into Asriel's room in the Guest Hall; when inspecting an article about Asgore's firing and Undyne's promotion, Kris intentionally stops reading before the reason is given. The separation between the player and Kris is most clearly shown in the Snowgrave Route, where it is heavily implied Kris's actions are being done by the player against their will. Noelle describes the voice she heard giving her orders as terrifying, noting Kris has been acting very strange lately. When Kris reunites with the party after defeating Berdly, Susie and Ralsei immediately notice Kris appears distraught. Another instance of this happens in the normal route of Chapter 2, where after defeating Spamton NEO, Susie notices Kris appearing to be in shock. If the player responds to Susie that they’re okay by saying Yes, Kris strainly responds, making Susie think that they’re not okay; if the player responds to Susie by saying No, Kris yells out the response, concerning Susie and Ralsei. This heavily implies that Spamton's dialogue during his boss fight about being a puppet and cutting his strings to be free deeply resonated with Kris, since they know what it’s like to be a puppet, due to them being possessed by the player; and made them feel some form of fear. Main Story History Years ago, Kris was adopted by the Dreemurrs, and grew up in a loving family. However, as the only human child in Hometown, Kris often felt like an outsider. Kris had asked their adoptive parents when their "horns were going to grow in." Toriel and Asgore bought a headband with red horns for Kris, who wore it for months until they one day stopped. Growing up, Kris became very close with their older brother, Asriel. The two often explored the forests around town with their neighbors, Dess and Noelle. While the four were close friends, Kris and Noelle grew apart over the years. The cause for this is unknown. Kris had also wanted to befriend Bratty, as she was one of the "big kids." They willingly complied, and retrieved food for her until she became sick. At some point, Toriel and Asgore became divorced. While their family was broken, Kris and Asriel remained inseparable. On occasion, Asriel would buy Kris a hot chocolate at QC's Diner, something they used to do together as a whole family. One day, Asriel had to go away to college, leaving Kris alone and without many friends. Chapter 1 Kris is first encountered when they are awoken by Toriel for school. When followed outside, Toriel drives Kris to school, leading to a short tour of Hometown. Kris, being late to class, is told by Professor Alphys to pick a group partner. When Noelle is asked, she checks with Alphys about letting Kris join her group with Berdly, though Susie barges into the classroom, interrupting the proceedings. Kris then gets paired up with Susie. Afterward, Alphys realizes there is no chalk for her to teach class with and sends Susie to go get some from the supply closet. She then asks Kris to go with her. In the hallway, Kris witnesses Susie eating a piece of chalk. Once Susie realizes Kris is there, she approaches them menacingly, slamming them against a locker, and threatens to eat their face. She then drops Kris on the ground, stating that Kris has a good mother and said "it'd be a shame to make her bury her child." Kris and Susie enter the supply closet, which turns out to be the entrance to a Dark World. Kris awakens with their street clothes having been exchanged for armor and a cloak, and their skin now a bluish hue. After some exploration Susie is found hiding in a pile of dust. After a bit more walking, Kris and Susie are attacked by a mysterious figure, who is later revealed to be Lancer. After escaping, they come across Castle Town and encounter Ralsei. Lancer then interrupts Ralsei, accosts Kris and Susie and fights them for the first time. After the fight, Susie leaves on her own in an attempt to find her way out of the Dark World, leaving Kris and Ralsei on their own. Eventually, Kris and Ralsei catch up with Susie, who begrudgingly rejoins the party. After numerous encounters with Lancer and getting mad at Ralsei for telling her not to fight, Susie decides to join Lancer instead for a while. This culminates in an encounter between Kris and Ralsei versus Susie and Lancer. At the conclusion of the fight, Susie once again rejoins the party, and Lancer tags along. Eventually, Lancer grows uncomfortable with the situation and runs off towards Card Castle. Kris and the party attempt to follow him, but some of King's soldiers capture them. Ralsei and Kris wake up in a prison cell together, but the two quickly realize that Susie is being kept in an adjacent cell. Kris manages to guide Susie through a puzzle, unlocking her cell and allowing her to escape. After a confrontation with Lancer, Susie is able to release Kris and Ralsei from prison. After making their way up Card Castle, Kris and the party face off against the King. After the fight, King deceives the party into believing he is willing to redeem himself, resulting in the party being cornered. Kris jumps in front of Susie to protect her, but is knocked back by another blow. King approaches Kris and, after taunting them, lifts them into the air, ready to kill them. Regardless of how the King was initially defeated, either Lancer and the King's subjects rescue the party, or Susie distracts King long enough for Ralsei to cast Pacify on the King, putting him to sleep. Which outcome occurs is based on whether or not the party harmed any of the denizens of the Dark World prior to facing the King (except for Jevil, Lancer himself and the first C. Round). After saying goodbye to Ralsei, Kris is able to seal the Dark Fountain and return home, along with Susie. Kris can then choose to explore Hometown and speak to the inhabitants. Once Kris returns home and goes to bed, the adventure is over. At some point in the middle of the night, Kris tosses and turns in bed, only to suddenly leap from their covers and jerkily make their way into the center of their room. As they stand on the carpet, Kris slowly raises their arm before violently tearing out their SOUL from their body and forcefully tossing it into a cage in the corner of the room. The SOUL can be moved in the cage, indicating that the player controls the SOUL, not Kris. Kris brandishes a knife that glistens in the light from the window before turning their head and smiling menacingly with their eye flashing red, similarly to the ending of a "soulless" True Pacifist Route in Undertale. The game then cuts to black. Chapter 2 At the beginning of this chapter, Toriel rushes up to Kris's room, having noticed a knife in the pie. She believes that Kris had decided to sneakily eat it whole while she was asleep. She laughs it off, though, suggesting she should lock the oven in the future, before they both set off to school once again. Later, Kris goes to school and enters the Dark World again with Susie. They meet Ralsei and explore the Castle Town. Eventually, Susie mentions they have homework to do, prompting Ralsei to banish them from the Dark World until their homework is done. They go to the Library, only to find another Dark World awaiting them, and jump into it, this time with Noelle and Berdly. They soon meet Queen, who acts as the main antagonist for this chapter. She captures Noelle, while Berdly switches to her side voluntarily. Eventually, Kris splits up with the other party members and rescues Noelle. In Kris's company, Noelle starts to learn to be less fearful, accentuating one of the game's themes of personal development. Later, after the entire party gets thrown into the Queen's guest rooms, Berdly learns to be less arrogant after a similar fashion. The final boss fight begins with both parties turning into mechas, and then combat proceeds in the style of a fighting game. Kris seals the Dark Fountain of this world, and the Lightners all return to the Light World. After walking through Hometown, Kris goes home and Toriel invites Susie to spend the night at her house. She sends the pair to wash their hands. When Kris goes to the bathroom, as soon as they turn the water on, they collapse, raise one hand up and rip out their SOUL again and escape through the window. After a chat between Toriel and Susie, Kris returns to the bathroom washes their hands and regresses their SOUL. It is later learned that the tires on Toriel's car have been slashed. At the end of Chapter 2, after Susie (who ended up sleeping at their house) and Toriel are both asleep, Kris opens a Dark Fountain using their knife, presumably using their Determination and willpower as hinted at by the Queen. Whether this means that Kris is actually the Knight is unclear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 [Intro]Woah! If it isn't a Lightner! Hey, hey, hey! Looks like you’re all alone on a late night All your friends abandoned you for the slime, you are? Sales gone down the drain, drain? Living in a goddamn garbage can? Hahahahaha!Friend, either you're closing your eyes To savings you do not wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware of the calibre of discounts Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object In your community [Verse 1]Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right placeRipe for the picking, right monеy in your pocket!You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so vеry, very lucky! That you get to be investing in this very special productFrom everybody’s favorite number-one rated salesman, circa 1997Mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it! Yes, I’m mighty proud to say it! Yes sir!Don’t you want to have a little fun, little sponge?Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?Live comfortably, capital at risk, yum-yum! Listen up! For the offer only comes just onceHey, chum! I can see you’re having violent thoughtsBut don’t you wanna, wanna be a, be a big shot? Enquire today while the secret’s in stock! All you gotta do is hyperlink blockedI used to be nothing but the email guy Now I’m the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy! Hahahahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believeWe can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargonHere’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 2] Are you feeling down? Have you lost control?Is your life a mess? Do your friends despise you?Well, here’s one weird trick discovered by a momAnd I’m sure number five will surprise you! All you’ve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening! Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the silly string! You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it’s yours! Hahahahaha! I wasn’t listening See, it says just here, right here, last year On the third of the fourth at five-oh-sixYou searched cat pics online, well, that’s just fineMoist, delicious cookiesLittle tippy-tap kitty catalyst, now we have a list And we’ll guess what every habit is Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran? You’ll be categorically catatonic At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands A cavalcade of all your favorite brands An advertism schism cataclysm, cash on demand! You’d better cancel your plans Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper!Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine? Why won’t Mike just call me? Backgammon? Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed? Bed bath? Bath sponge? Sponge who hates its $4.99 Life boat? Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean? Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket? Jackdaw? Doorstop? Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture! Stopwatch? Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado? Adderall? Ads are all seeping Ping pong? Ponchos? Choke chains? Chainsaws? Swordfish? Shish kebab? Bobcat? Do you want a cat or not?Well, you wanna be a big shot, don’t you? Don’t you wanna be the next big thing? You can do it! Yes, it’s true, it’s really true There’s nothing to it, I can prove it, hear the registers ring! Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring You’re kidding? It’s for you *garbage noise* Wanna know a secret? Hyperlink blockedYou too can have a communion with, hahahaha! Soon, I’ll even surpass that damned clown around town! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guaranteeWe take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 3]Holy cungadero there, you funky, little worm You seem unaware of all the money you could earnIf you wanna get the gold Well, there is stuff you gotta learnMilk the humans of their kindness Then there’s butter to be churnedYou want it, need it, don't you see?But if you wanna make your screen green You’re gonna need my kromer keyYes, you’ve got trouble, my friend, whadayatalk? Right here in Cyber CitySee, I used to be a top-notch big shot! Best deals! Best wheels! Best, best prices in the tri-state area But you can get it back! Hahaha! Yes, you can! All you gotta do is follow through my twelve-step plan Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling meYou gotta know the territory! Spend a hand, lend a grandWho’s gonna patronize a little bitty Two-by-four kinda store anymore? Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go! Make a deal! Big deal, high score! Our store is closing Hot tip! Drop shipping! Four, three, two, oneNot skipping offers wired into your inbox Swing by the gift shop! Think of the big shot! All this and more, click, hyperlink blockedCan anyone hear me? HelpMike, Mike? Hahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 4]Insurance! Know that I’m the best in policy! Honestly, do you want to end in poverty? Buddy, I’m the one to help invest it properly!I’m here to talk about extended warranty!It’s a super bumper, liquidation, last chance First day, half price, fire sale like never before! And it’s there to explore, when you step in the doorThe very model of a modern major general store! But the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it's Just the haven'ts that're lacking what they’re havingNow the ads have got the traffic And we’ve grabbed your demographic So you’re packing up your basket'Cause your dad has gotta have it He’ll be sad if you don’t wrap it with a tag, it’ll be tragic So you’re manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic Seems that everybody has it, man, you really gotta have it So you get it, you’re ecstatic but a crackle in the staticAnd the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plasticSo you trash it then you get back into your car 'Cause you don’t have it And the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the hads are very glad it'sHochi-mama, what a mouthful!In the encyclopedia of being afraidThere ain’t nothing to be scared of 'til there’s fees to be paid There’s deals to be made with seasonal savings!Regional ratings are lethally fadingScreaming and raving, ceaseless appraising[Neat, little plate with a needless engraving]Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing Feet in the grave but gleefully trading Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingDeals so good I’ll **** myself Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingGone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingI can feel that smooth taste already! Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything Hyperlink blocked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 [Intro]Woah! If it isn't a Lightner! Hey, hey, hey! Looks like you’re all alone on a late night All your friends abandoned you for the slime, you are? Sales gone down the drain, drain? Living in a goddamn garbage can? Hahahahaha!Friend, either you're closing your eyes To savings you do not wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware of the calibre of discounts Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object In your community [Verse 1]Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right placeRipe for the picking, right monеy in your pocket!You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so vеry, very lucky! That you get to be investing in this very special productFrom everybody’s favorite number-one rated salesman, circa 1997Mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it! Yes, I’m mighty proud to say it! Yes sir!Don’t you want to have a little fun, little sponge?Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?Live comfortably, capital at risk, yum-yum! Listen up! For the offer only comes just onceHey, chum! I can see you’re having violent thoughtsBut don’t you wanna, wanna be a, be a big shot? Enquire today while the secret’s in stock! All you gotta do is hyperlink blockedI used to be nothing but the email guy Now I’m the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy! Hahahahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believeWe can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargonHere’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 2] Are you feeling down? Have you lost control?Is your life a mess? Do your friends despise you?Well, here’s one weird trick discovered by a momAnd I’m sure number five will surprise you! All you’ve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening! Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the silly string! You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it’s yours! Hahahahaha! I wasn’t listening See, it says just here, right here, last year On the third of the fourth at five-oh-sixYou searched cat pics online, well, that’s just fineMoist, delicious cookiesLittle tippy-tap kitty catalyst, now we have a list And we’ll guess what every habit is Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran? You’ll be categorically catatonic At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands A cavalcade of all your favorite brands An advertism schism cataclysm, cash on demand! You’d better cancel your plans Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper!Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine? Why won’t Mike just call me? Backgammon? Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed? Bed bath? Bath sponge? Sponge who hates its $4.99 Life boat? Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean? Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket? Jackdaw? Doorstop? Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture! Stopwatch? Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado? Adderall? Ads are all seeping Ping pong? Ponchos? Choke chains? Chainsaws? Swordfish? Shish kebab? Bobcat? Do you want a cat or not?Well, you wanna be a big shot, don’t you? Don’t you wanna be the next big thing? You can do it! Yes, it’s true, it’s really true There’s nothing to it, I can prove it, hear the registers ring! Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring You’re kidding? It’s for you *garbage noise* Wanna know a secret? Hyperlink blockedYou too can have a communion with, hahahaha! Soon, I’ll even surpass that damned clown around town! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guaranteeWe take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 3]Holy cungadero there, you funky, little worm You seem unaware of all the money you could earnIf you wanna get the gold Well, there is stuff you gotta learnMilk the humans of their kindness Then there’s butter to be churnedYou want it, need it, don't you see?But if you wanna make your screen green You’re gonna need my kromer keyYes, you’ve got trouble, my friend, whadayatalk? Right here in Cyber CitySee, I used to be a top-notch big shot! Best deals! Best wheels! Best, best prices in the tri-state area But you can get it back! Hahaha! Yes, you can! All you gotta do is follow through my twelve-step plan Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling meYou gotta know the territory! Spend a hand, lend a grandWho’s gonna patronize a little bitty Two-by-four kinda store anymore? Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go! Make a deal! Big deal, high score! Our store is closing Hot tip! Drop shipping! Four, three, two, oneNot skipping offers wired into your inbox Swing by the gift shop! Think of the big shot! All this and more, click, hyperlink blockedCan anyone hear me? HelpMike, Mike? Hahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 4]Insurance! Know that I’m the best in policy! Honestly, do you want to end in poverty? Buddy, I’m the one to help invest it properly!I’m here to talk about extended warranty!It’s a super bumper, liquidation, last chance First day, half price, fire sale like never before! And it’s there to explore, when you step in the doorThe very model of a modern major general store! But the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it's Just the haven'ts that're lacking what they’re havingNow the ads have got the traffic And we’ve grabbed your demographic So you’re packing up your basket'Cause your dad has gotta have it He’ll be sad if you don’t wrap it with a tag, it’ll be tragic So you’re manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic Seems that everybody has it, man, you really gotta have it So you get it, you’re ecstatic but a crackle in the staticAnd the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plasticSo you trash it then you get back into your car 'Cause you don’t have it And the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the hads are very glad it'sHochi-mama, what a mouthful!In the encyclopedia of being afraidThere ain’t nothing to be scared of 'til there’s fees to be paid There’s deals to be made with seasonal savings!Regional ratings are lethally fadingScreaming and raving, ceaseless appraising[Neat, little plate with a needless engraving]Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing Feet in the grave but gleefully trading Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingDeals so good I’ll **** myself Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingGone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingI can feel that smooth taste already! Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything Hyperlink blocked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepper_ Posted March 5, 2022 Share Posted March 5, 2022 Redesign your logo, we know what we're doingWe are here to help you, everything's connectedTime is of the essence, we live in the futureColor makes us hungry, everything's connected Redesign your logo, we know how to do itMake the calculations, put them into actionWe will find the angle, starting with conventionOn to innovation, everything's connected Here we have a circle, smooth and inoffensiveThis will be the basis for your revolutionGravity is crucial, geomagnetismWith some calculation, we will find your logo DNA is crucial, we must understand itIn the human genome, we will find your logoEveryone will see it, every demographicIf they fail to see it, are they even human? Every demographic, men 18 to 30College educated women over 40Suicidal poets, fat midwestern fathersKids with diabetes, pentecostal preachers Mothers under 20, interracial couplesAtheist professors, government employeesXenophobes and racists, private aviatorsEveryone will see it, every demographic Think about it this way: guided evolutionThis will be a new breed, cutting edge but classicFully complementary, bold and self-sufficientSymbolizing freedom and, of course, your productWhen the logo's finished, then we will unveil itSeven billion people instantly enlightenedEveryone's rebranded, all the fighting's overSay goodbye to conflict, that design's rejected There's no longer language, only recognitionThere's no longer country, only corporate colorsColor makes us hungry, hunger makes us humanEveryone can see it, everything's connected Redesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your moneyRedesign your logo, give us all your money(Give us all your money) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 [Intro]Woah! If it isn't a Lightner! Hey, hey, hey! Looks like you’re all alone on a late night All your friends abandoned you for the slime, you are? Sales gone down the drain, drain? Living in a goddamn garbage can? Hahahahaha!Friend, either you're closing your eyes To savings you do not wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware of the calibre of discounts Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object In your community [Verse 1]Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right placeRipe for the picking, right monеy in your pocket!You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so vеry, very lucky! That you get to be investing in this very special productFrom everybody’s favorite number-one rated salesman, circa 1997Mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it! Yes, I’m mighty proud to say it! Yes sir!Don’t you want to have a little fun, little sponge?Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?Live comfortably, capital at risk, yum-yum! Listen up! For the offer only comes just onceHey, chum! I can see you’re having violent thoughtsBut don’t you wanna, wanna be a, be a big shot? Enquire today while the secret’s in stock! All you gotta do is hyperlink blockedI used to be nothing but the email guy Now I’m the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy! Hahahahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believeWe can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargonHere’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 2] Are you feeling down? Have you lost control?Is your life a mess? Do your friends despise you?Well, here’s one weird trick discovered by a momAnd I’m sure number five will surprise you! All you’ve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening! Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the silly string! You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it’s yours! Hahahahaha! I wasn’t listening See, it says just here, right here, last year On the third of the fourth at five-oh-sixYou searched cat pics online, well, that’s just fineMoist, delicious cookiesLittle tippy-tap kitty catalyst, now we have a list And we’ll guess what every habit is Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran? You’ll be categorically catatonic At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands A cavalcade of all your favorite brands An advertism schism cataclysm, cash on demand! You’d better cancel your plans Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper!Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine? Why won’t Mike just call me? Backgammon? Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed? Bed bath? Bath sponge? Sponge who hates its $4.99 Life boat? Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean? Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket? Jackdaw? Doorstop? Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture! Stopwatch? Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado? Adderall? Ads are all seeping Ping pong? Ponchos? Choke chains? Chainsaws? Swordfish? Shish kebab? Bobcat? Do you want a cat or not?Well, you wanna be a big shot, don’t you? Don’t you wanna be the next big thing? You can do it! Yes, it’s true, it’s really true There’s nothing to it, I can prove it, hear the registers ring! Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring You’re kidding? It’s for you *garbage noise* Wanna know a secret? Hyperlink blockedYou too can have a communion with, hahahaha! Soon, I’ll even surpass that damned clown around town! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guaranteeWe take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 3]Holy cungadero there, you funky, little worm You seem unaware of all the money you could earnIf you wanna get the gold Well, there is stuff you gotta learnMilk the humans of their kindness Then there’s butter to be churnedYou want it, need it, don't you see?But if you wanna make your screen green You’re gonna need my kromer keyYes, you’ve got trouble, my friend, whadayatalk? Right here in Cyber CitySee, I used to be a top-notch big shot! Best deals! Best wheels! Best, best prices in the tri-state area But you can get it back! Hahaha! Yes, you can! All you gotta do is follow through my twelve-step plan Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling meYou gotta know the territory! Spend a hand, lend a grandWho’s gonna patronize a little bitty Two-by-four kinda store anymore? Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go! Make a deal! Big deal, high score! Our store is closing Hot tip! Drop shipping! Four, three, two, oneNot skipping offers wired into your inbox Swing by the gift shop! Think of the big shot! All this and more, click, hyperlink blockedCan anyone hear me? HelpMike, Mike? Hahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 4]Insurance! Know that I’m the best in policy! Honestly, do you want to end in poverty? Buddy, I’m the one to help invest it properly!I’m here to talk about extended warranty!It’s a super bumper, liquidation, last chance First day, half price, fire sale like never before! And it’s there to explore, when you step in the doorThe very model of a modern major general store! But the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it's Just the haven'ts that're lacking what they’re havingNow the ads have got the traffic And we’ve grabbed your demographic So you’re packing up your basket'Cause your dad has gotta have it He’ll be sad if you don’t wrap it with a tag, it’ll be tragic So you’re manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic Seems that everybody has it, man, you really gotta have it So you get it, you’re ecstatic but a crackle in the staticAnd the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plasticSo you trash it then you get back into your car 'Cause you don’t have it And the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the hads are very glad it'sHochi-mama, what a mouthful!In the encyclopedia of being afraidThere ain’t nothing to be scared of 'til there’s fees to be paid There’s deals to be made with seasonal savings!Regional ratings are lethally fadingScreaming and raving, ceaseless appraising[Neat, little plate with a needless engraving]Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing Feet in the grave but gleefully trading Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingDeals so good I’ll **** myself Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingGone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingI can feel that smooth taste already! Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything Hyperlink blocked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polly Posted March 5, 2022 Author Share Posted March 5, 2022 [Intro]Woah! If it isn't a Lightner! Hey, hey, hey! Looks like you’re all alone on a late night All your friends abandoned you for the slime, you are? Sales gone down the drain, drain? Living in a goddamn garbage can? Hahahahaha!Friend, either you're closing your eyes To savings you do not wish to acknowledge Or you are not aware of the calibre of discounts Indicated by the presence of a heart-shaped object In your community [Verse 1]Hey kid, look at you! Right time, right placeRipe for the picking, right monеy in your pocket!You’re so lucky! Very lucky! Oh, so vеry, very lucky! That you get to be investing in this very special productFrom everybody’s favorite number-one rated salesman, circa 1997Mighty proud to say it! Mighty proud to say it! Yes, I’m mighty proud to say it! Yes sir!Don’t you want to have a little fun, little sponge?Little something to pluck you from the glum humdrum?Live comfortably, capital at risk, yum-yum! Listen up! For the offer only comes just onceHey, chum! I can see you’re having violent thoughtsBut don’t you wanna, wanna be a, be a big shot? Enquire today while the secret’s in stock! All you gotta do is hyperlink blockedI used to be nothing but the email guy Now I’m the "It burns! Ow! Stop! Help me! It burns!" guy! Hahahahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believeWe can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargonHere’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 2] Are you feeling down? Have you lost control?Is your life a mess? Do your friends despise you?Well, here’s one weird trick discovered by a momAnd I’m sure number five will surprise you! All you’ve ever dreamed of, shining, glistening! Gotta buckle up! Grab life by the silly string! You can have it! You can have it! Say the word, it’s yours! Hahahahaha! I wasn’t listening See, it says just here, right here, last year On the third of the fourth at five-oh-sixYou searched cat pics online, well, that’s just fineMoist, delicious cookiesLittle tippy-tap kitty catalyst, now we have a list And we’ll guess what every habit is Wanna buy a cat flap? Cat food? Catchup? Catamaran? You’ll be categorically catatonic At the catalogue of categories I have at my hands A cavalcade of all your favorite brands An advertism schism cataclysm, cash on demand! You’d better cancel your plans Cash for the crackers and the pickles and the flypaper!Wanna buy a cat plush? Plush toy? Toy box? Box wine? Why won’t Mike just call me? Backgammon? Ham and eggs? Egg chair? Chair bed? Bed bath? Bath sponge? Sponge who hates its $4.99 Life boat? Boat shoe? Shoestring? String bean? Bean bag? Bagpipes? Pipe bomb? Bomber jacket? Jackdaw? Doorstop? Stop! No, please! Don’t take my furniture! Stopwatch? Watchdog? Dog collar? Colorado? Adderall? Ads are all seeping Ping pong? Ponchos? Choke chains? Chainsaws? Swordfish? Shish kebab? Bobcat? Do you want a cat or not?Well, you wanna be a big shot, don’t you? Don’t you wanna be the next big thing? You can do it! Yes, it’s true, it’s really true There’s nothing to it, I can prove it, hear the registers ring! Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring You’re kidding? It’s for you *garbage noise* Wanna know a secret? Hyperlink blockedYou too can have a communion with, hahahaha! Soon, I’ll even surpass that damned clown around town! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guaranteeWe take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 3]Holy cungadero there, you funky, little worm You seem unaware of all the money you could earnIf you wanna get the gold Well, there is stuff you gotta learnMilk the humans of their kindness Then there’s butter to be churnedYou want it, need it, don't you see?But if you wanna make your screen green You’re gonna need my kromer keyYes, you’ve got trouble, my friend, whadayatalk? Right here in Cyber CitySee, I used to be a top-notch big shot! Best deals! Best wheels! Best, best prices in the tri-state area But you can get it back! Hahaha! Yes, you can! All you gotta do is follow through my twelve-step plan Bigger, bigger, better like the telephone was telling meYou gotta know the territory! Spend a hand, lend a grandWho’s gonna patronize a little bitty Two-by-four kinda store anymore? Gotta go! Gotta get! Gotta get on and go! Make a deal! Big deal, high score! Our store is closing Hot tip! Drop shipping! Four, three, two, oneNot skipping offers wired into your inbox Swing by the gift shop! Think of the big shot! All this and more, click, hyperlink blockedCan anyone hear me? HelpMike, Mike? Hahahaha! [Chorus] We’ve got never bettered bargains We’ve got deals you won’t believe We can tell you what you want Before you realise what you need If you’ll pardon us the jargon Here’s our Darkner guarantee We take cash or card or credit But we’ll take your heart for free [Verse 4]Insurance! Know that I’m the best in policy! Honestly, do you want to end in poverty? Buddy, I’m the one to help invest it properly!I’m here to talk about extended warranty!It’s a super bumper, liquidation, last chance First day, half price, fire sale like never before! And it’s there to explore, when you step in the doorThe very model of a modern major general store! But the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the haves are very glad it's Just the haven'ts that're lacking what they’re havingNow the ads have got the traffic And we’ve grabbed your demographic So you’re packing up your basket'Cause your dad has gotta have it He’ll be sad if you don’t wrap it with a tag, it’ll be tragic So you’re manically grabbing at the shelves amid the panic Seems that everybody has it, man, you really gotta have it So you get it, you’re ecstatic but a crackle in the staticAnd the it is out of fashion, just a fad, a piece of plasticSo you trash it then you get back into your car 'Cause you don’t have it And the fact is everybody’s gotta have it, gotta have it Those who have it really have it If you haven’t, well, you’ve had it, couldn’t hack it Now the haven'ts haven't had it and the hads are very glad it'sHochi-mama, what a mouthful!In the encyclopedia of being afraidThere ain’t nothing to be scared of 'til there’s fees to be paid There’s deals to be made with seasonal savings!Regional ratings are lethally fadingScreaming and raving, ceaseless appraising[Neat, little plate with a needless engraving]Legally grey but sweet with the phrasing Feet in the grave but gleefully trading Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingDeals so good I’ll **** myself Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingGone with the sugar barrel, pickle barrel, milk pan Feeding the cravings, eat little playthingI can feel that smooth taste already! Feeding the cravings, eat little plaything Hyperlink blocked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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