Nara's Revenge - A Niche Story

[Philo]

Hey folks ^^
I currently have 2 weeks vacation and thought hey, why not try and write something for a change?
And while I'm witting, why not make it a Niche story? 
So I decided to think about a potential main character for the story and settled on Adam's sister. Which I named Nara.
She must have felt aweful when her brother was taken by the blue bird so I wanted to explore her story a bit.
No idea if I will have time to continue writing, but I thought I'd share the first page with you
Disclaimer, English is not my mothertongue and my grammer isn't the best.
Feel free to point me to typos and let me know your opinion, thanks ❤️




Here we go:

Chapter 1 - The Red Leaf Tribe

Nara let out a startled squeak as Adam poked his head out of a nearby bush. “You are such a scaredy cat sis!”, he laughed, then stepped out and shook the leaves off his pelt. Nara let out a sigh. “Why do you always have to do this?”, she asked, fixating him with her purple eyes. “Stealth training of course”, he replied. “You should start to practice more as well! Skill evaluations are only a few dawns away”. He gave her face a quick lick and jumped back into the thicket, stalking off. Nara sighed again and flopped down onto her belly, then rolled over to her back and looked up at the sky. Red leaves rustled in the trees above. Nara smiled. She loved these trees. They grew nowhere else but on this island. Long ago her ancestors had decided to name their group after these very leaves, forming the “Red Leaf” tribe long, long before she was born.

Nara stretched her legs towards the sky and yawned. The sun reflected off her short, orange-red fur, making it shine bright while her stripes remained a dark brown. Nara often heard her tribe mates talk about how beautiful she was, the spitting image of their ancestors. Nara didn’t really understand why that was so important, but at least it gave the others something to like about her. And so, she dozed off in the warm afternoon sunlight, dreaming off butterflies.

It was almost sundown when Nara finally hurried into the clearing. She had overslept… again! All other young Nichelings of the tribe where already gathered there, showing of small pieces of prey they caught or demonstrating their newly learned battle moves to each other. Nara’s mother lay near the edge of the clearing, looking at her with a raised brow and a playful grin. “Were you chasing butterflies in your dreams again?”, she whispered as Nara approached. Nara rubbed her head against her mother’s. “I caught one and it gave me wings! Beautiful, colorful ones. I could fly and see the whole island from above”. Both smiled at each other. “Pathetic!”, came the exclamation from a female sitting nearby. Nara flinched, but quickly came to understand that the female wasn’t talking to her. “You little piece of dung, is this all you have brought for your siblings?”, the female continued. In front of her sat a young male. He was a few moons older than Nara, with red-brown fur and only a single stripe that bent over his nose. “I’m sorry mother, I will try harder tomorrow”, he whispered, met her gaze for a second, then dropped his head again. Between the female’s forelegs, three baby Nichelings were squirming. “I’ll eat your share too”, she exclaimed. Or I won’t have enough milk for them. Now get out of my sight”. The young male nodded and trotted away. He lay down on a dry patch of earth and curled up.

Both Nara and her mother had observed the scene. And while it was true that young Nichelings his age were supposed to find their own food, they usually didn’t have to provide for a whole family. Nara looked up at her mother, who shook her head. “I’m sorry my dear, but as you know it is tradition that each family must provide for themselves. Otherwise we might allow weak blood to spread in the tribe which would harm all of us in the long run.” Nara nodded, curled up at het mother’s side and closed her eyes, pretending to fall asleep. She didn’t like these stupid rules.

Shortly after, Nara’s brother Adam came trotting over from his playfight with a slightly older female. His fur looked a lot like Nara’s, but it was covered in little scars and freshly torn scratches. “Oh my boy”, his mother commented, and began to lick his wounds clean. Nara observed them through half closed eyes and sulked.

A cool wind ruffled Nara’s fur and she shivered. As she opened her eyes, she noticed that she must have rolled away from her mother side while sleeping. She couldn’t remember dreaming though. The moon was high up in the sky. She stood up and looked around. Everybody seemed soundly asleep, except for the guards positioned at each boarder of the clearing. “Seems like I’m doing some stealth training after all, Adam would be proud of me”, she thought, amused. In the same moment her brother uttered a loud snore and slowly pushed his hind-legs into their mother’s snout, exposing her pink gum. She didn’t seem to mind at all, continuing to breath heavily.
Nara moved as quietly as she could and made her way over to the curled up, isolated, red-brown heap of fur. The young male was shivering in his sleep, his face full of strain. Nara settled down beside him, brushing her fur against his and took off with her butterfly wings once more.

----*
Zekir was the first to wake up this morning. He was expecting his muscles to be stiff from the cold night, but they felt smooth as he stoop up slowly. Looking down he found out why. A young, female Nicheling lay curled up beside him. She was beautiful, perfect in every way he wasn’t. His mother would be so proud to call her daughter. He shook his head to banish the dark thoughts. He had seen her before, sunbathing and dozing, eating and laughing, living an easy life. He had to hold back an angry snort. But what on earth was she doing here now? He never asked for her help or her kindness and still she made her way over to him in times of need. Maybe this was what happened if mothers’ didn’t teach their offspring the rough realities of survival? Whatever might be the reason, Zekir didn’t want anything to do with it. He quietly stalked towards the edge of the clearing, shot one final glance back at the still sleeping Nara, and was gone.

Nara, as it had almost become tradition by now, woke up last. Only the elder Nichelings and fresh mothers remained in the clearing. Everybody had headed out, going about their daily business, everyone except for Nara. Her belly rumbled with hunger. “I really have to start getting up a bit earlier, but sleeping is just so much fun”, she thought, stood up and shook herself. It seemed that her mother shared her opinion, since she hadn’t left any breakfast for her as she usually did. Or maybe she was angry because Nara snuck off last night? Either way, the problem could surely be fixed by gifting her mom some pretty flowers later.
The elders sitting nearby greeted her friendly and some even bowed their heads a little. “Have a happy day dear elders!”, Nara called cheerfully. She smiled and trotted out of the clearing, remembering their stories: Red Leaf island had always been a paradise for the Nichelings that lived there. Everybody wanted in and enjoy the island’s plentiful resources. When their ancestors came to power, they placed guards at all the island entrances and fended off everybody that wanted in. Recently there hadn’t been any invasion attempts. Maybe word had gotten out that the island’s resources were exhausted? Their tribe had grown a lot since the time of the elders’ stories, which was great, but also meant there were more mouths to feed. Nara had never really thought about it before, but the scene between Zekir and his mother had made it clear to her, there wasn’t enough for everyone anymore. Or maybe Zekir was just a bad hunter?

The thoughts swirled around in Nara’s head, distracting her from the job at paw: Breakfast! Her belly kept rumbling too, startling the Rabbil she was stalking. The little, white creature squeaked and disappeared into a nearby burrow. “I’d probably be the first one to starve! Seriously belly, if you want to eat, can’t you just shut up?”, Nara teased herself and began to laugh loudly. Suddenly, Adam jumped out of a nearby bush and landed right on top of her, which made her laugh even harder. “Silly sister”, Adam teased. “The whole forest can hear you, you know? You’re lucky I’m no predator!”, he joked and bit her ear playfully. “Oww!”, Nara burst out and tried to throw him off. But he kept her pinned down, clearly stronger than her. “Damn you Adam”, she wined and he let her go. He turned his back on her, looking over his shoulder, flicking his long tail dismissively, just about to announce his own superiority. But before he could say one word, Nara jumped on him. They rolled over into the bushes. Suddenly the ground beneath them started to give way. They were rolling down a hill, screaming and holding on to each other tightly. After a while, their pace started to slow, as the floor became more even again.
Both had kept their eyes tightly shut. Adam carefully opened them. A group of juvenile Nichelings starred down at them, amongst them the slightly older female Adam play-fought the day before. “Err, hi Kari”, Adam stammered. Nara slowly opened one eye. “What a nice surprise!”, Kari exclaimed. “We were just talking about you two.” Adam and Nara shakily came to their paws and sat down, still dizzy from the fall. Kari continued: “So I guess Nara and Zekir are a thing now huh? We all saw her sleeping next to him. Probably won’t be long before they become mates! Though it might still take you a few moon to become a real female, huh Nara?”, Kari chuckled. Nara starred at her with wide-open eyes. “I… I was just…”, she stammered. The group started to laugh. “Well Nara you have to be careful what signals you give to a male”, Kari interrupted her. “Especially to desperate ones such as Zekir. It’s not like he has a lot of options regarding females, so what you did was practically a mating invitation.” Nara blushed and starred at Kari in surprise. Kari went on: “Better focus on yourself and your family for now. I bet you can’t even use your poison ability yet.” Adam unconsciously touched his short, curved fangs. Many member of their tribe were able to produce a snake-like poison. It could be used to poison enemies and paralyse prey. Just like Nara, he wasn’t yet able to use it. Kari took a deep breath: “So don’t do stuff like that again! It would be a waste of your genes if you ended up having Zekir’s cubs. Our ancestors would turn in their grave!” The Nichelings sitting around them nodded in approval.

 

[FawnCat]

I enjoyed it😄 It's very well written.

[Philo]

Kept writing a bit and edited the post on top^^
New part starts at ----*

[FawnCat]

Now I'm starting to get excited for the rest of this story😄 I liked the second part. Your world building is a great idea, now I'm worried if the tribe really have food or not🙂

[Renio]

Oh so we’re doing another modified Toklo x Lusa? Or do none of know what that is?

anyway, it’s amazing. It’s not perfect, so if you were to try to publish it, you’d have to get an editor. But still good for people who aren’t that picky. I’d love a series made out of this, but it’d only be able to stretch maybe 4-6 books? But then again, it wouldn’t take one Nicheling’s lifespan to get there, it’d take lots of generations. So maybe... series? Nara’s descendants (and Nara) go on a quest to find Adam’s remains, anything will do whatever it is. Hope doesn’t die with them.

 

[Lilytuft]

10 hours ago, Renio2222 said:

Oh so we’re doing another modified Toklo x Lusa? Or do none of know what that is?

I do

[Lilytuft]

 Which one is older, Nara or Adam?

[Philo]

Just researched Toklo x Lusa, didn't know them ^^
Nara and Adam are from the same litter, so basically they are the same age. Adam was born first though.

[bostonlobstah]

That's an awesome story!!! Great work! I love how the tribe is portrayed in this. I can't wait for more

Grammar and stuff is pretty good, the quotations are done incorrectly but if you want me to edit I can help you out  

Now I want to draw Nara :,D

[Philo]

@manglolia Thank you
Could you show me some examples where I did it wrong? Want to learn and improve!
 

Same to you @Renio2222: Did you notice anything specific I do wrong often?

[yioker1]

Punctuation comes before ending quotations!

[bostonlobstah]

On 12/31/2019 at 4:21 PM, Birthday Fawn (Philo) said:

@manglolia Thank you
Could you show me some examples where I did it wrong? Want to learn and improve!
 

Same to you @Renio2222: Did you notice anything specific I do wrong often?

sure thing!

an example:

Original: “You are such a scaredy cat sis!”, he laughed, then stepped out and shook the leaves off his pelt. 

Edited: "You are such a scaredy cat, sis!" He laughed, then stepped out and shook the leaves off his pelt. 

Alternatively: "You are such a scaredy cat, sis!" he laughed. Then he stepped out and shook the leaves off his pelt. 

 

Basically there should no comma after the quotation ends.

[MAТТRESS]

On 12/27/2019 at 6:42 PM, Birthday Fawn (Philo) said:

“Damn you Adam”,

wAtCh yOuR pRoFaNiTy!

No, I'm just kidding. This story is really great!

One thing to keep in mind, when a new character is talking, you make a new paragraph. Like this-

   "Dogs are great!" Said Sally.

   "Yes!" Replied John.

Why was that my example...anyways...

You see what I mean?

Great story regardless!