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goggles’ home thread, aka “goggles’ dead mod career cemetery”


Goggles-kun

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On 4/15/2020 at 5:55 PM, Goggles-kun said:

My last one committed die because of unforeseen events

So anyway can we just. Appreciate this. It was made by a user called El Ranno

4D63AF10-7169-4C6A-9E55-B6B4ECE4E056.jpeg.aeb778b4362079a462e8a690ef977444.jpeg

I love this so much! Very creative

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[VENT POST!]

Why did I have to be like this

I have to take at least more than ten pills every single day because I'm incapable of being a normal human being. I'll even post photo evidence if you don't believe me. It takes me a good minute or two to actually wolf down all of my pills because of how massive and many there are. What happened to September when I just took one little Lexapro pill every morning? I don't even know if I'm being treated with the right pills because I suspect I probably have undiagnosed ADD wbdjsbn I don't even know when this torture will end

TWO ANTIDEPRESSANTS BECAUSE MY PAERETSN ARE SICK OF ME BEING SHY!!
DOZENS UPON DOZENSV OF VITAMIN PILLS BECAUSE I NEVER LIKED PLAYING OUTSIDE!!
TWO MASSIVE NEBRASKA-SIZED UTI PILLS THAT'LL PROBABLY FIT THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF MOLDOVA IN IT AND MAKE MY PEE NEON GREEN!!
AN EVEN BIGGER VITAMIN C PILL WITH THE POPULATION OF GREECE IN IT!!

Why am I not normal?!

 

I'm sorry for venting I actually feel horrible when I do b/c people have worse problems than I do

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15 hours ago, Goggles-kun said:

(Cut in case of edits)

I'm so sorry they're treating you to this. I don't think it helps, but...

From what I've known, that's not a uncommon reaction from parents finding out that: a) their kid is neurodivergent and b) it can be drugged to hell. They usually calm down after some time, but it can look like this at least in parts:

Worst case spiral

-- the parent is: a moron, extremely controlling. No knowledge on mental health with a few loose screws themselves. How to calm a child: "cry it out". 

Or, less physically abusive:

-- they're projecting their past issues onto you. Less anger, more aggressive fixing. This person will fail you as a parent until they're over it.

 

 

The "spiral"

Stage one: Denial, they don't have it that bad! Get it out!! Hysteria, every symptom is a crime. The goal: you don't actually "have" the thing. Surpress all symptoms, stomp it out. Rationalise in hindsight that it wasn't there, or it wouldn't have worked  

(Am I really like this, or just lazy/stupid/...)

 

Anger: why are you like this?! If you'd only do x, y, z -- Stop resisting!

So, micromanage to hell. Acceptance that it can't be forced out hasn't been reached. However, they're now using the outside world instead of demanding you magically change your inner being.

(Unknown. Can be a back and forward between denial and bargaining, or take months on its own with normal people. The worst case parent might instill traits of BPD and remain stuck.)

 

If done:

Bargaining: autism moms. These poor parents. "I'm so sorry my son bothered you by standing in the same room and being himself 😢" --> internalised shame and future anxiety absorbed from the caretaker.

The belief that you're less than others, your feelings always come second and there's no change. "Low functioning" people get reduced to lower sapience. No attempt to communicate with the child (non verbally, nothing is provided unless it is convenient to anyone but the parent, etc.)

Convenience is the altar for any crimes inflicted on your person. Only the standard we have for you is right. There are no other values. You are worthless unless you reach C, D, E milestone right now.

 

Depression: you're dead now. Not the "you're not my son/daughter" trans people would know it (better than me), but... it's like your sibling actually died. Only. It's you. They might even tell you that personally when asked. They're still less angry now and might actually listen from time to time.

I don't know what that one does to people. It can do too many things to people. But you have to fight to get your way, or abandon a part of yourself. Which...

 

Acceptance: let's be honest, most don't reach this stage. They likely understand you somewhat after... 5 years. Of trying. If they find out early, or are of any use as a parent, you'll have much more success. Meaning optimally, you'll only see fragments of that...

But, I beg you, don't let them mess up your wellbeing with the outcome of these stages. You're fine. You're wonderful. But you won't feel better until you figure out it's them harming you, and not your being deficient. 

I can't tell you that it will get better, no one can. But it will at least be different no matter what in some time. Depression rarely steals less than 2-3 years of your life. But you'll live without despair eventually, even if you're still tired all the time. My grandfather is nearing 80 now. He lives. But it never left. I don't think I'll have it forever, but radically changing the future I had imagined for myself wasn't easy, either. You'll need to find your path in life, but it can't be the one you're going down now. That's the road to hell, and they're doing everything they can to have you stay on it.

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3 hours ago, Spacestar TheThundersuncat said:

(Quite a lengthy post!)

[Side note-- when I'm referring to "my parents", I mean my mother and my grandmother. My mom and I live with her and my father's been out of the picture for a very long time. Grandfather died October of 2018]

Thank you for the support and heads up. I think you described how my grandmother feels about me. She's a pretty peppy and extroverted person compared to me and doesn't understand what it's like to think in a different mindset. From what I see, my mother is more understanding than her; even if I've just started to open up to her, har-har.
I'm scared beyond all hell of my grandmother because of the things I already told her about myself. I told her I did not believe in any god once and to this day she still thinks that my depression is the result of a lack of faith in the god she believes in. The time I accidentally came out to her as bisexual was a nightmare as well. Of course, I no longer identify as bisexual, but because of my existent attraction to masculinity my grandmother still believed I could be "saved". I think my therapist told me once that she tried to persuade her to convert me back to heterosexuality, which she thankfully refused to do. (Conversion Therapy is illegal in Nevada)

I'm just scared of my grandmother. I know that she is a nice person and does some cool stuff you would expect a regular grandmother to do, but at this rate, I don't feel safe telling her things about me anymore. 

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