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goggles’ home thread, aka “goggles’ dead mod career cemetery”


Goggles-kun
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3 minutes ago, Goggles-kun said:

It’s a result of my braces, it’s all under control

I hate it when that happen! It’s so annoying, I’m glad I finally got my braces off in September this year (side note I had braces in 1st grade- were my teeth that bad?? Oh god now I want to look at my old photos and see if they were-)

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Ok I’m only asking/venting because I have no one else to talk to (woohoo! No one will read this!)

I feel like I’m being verbally abused by my grandmother. I am very afraid of her and I suspect my mom is too; after all, she admitted that she is completely scared of engaging in arguments with her.
I also firmly believe most of my anxiety stems from my grandmother. Before my grandpa died, my grandmother would frequently have fights over the smallest things, and they really liked to yell at each other. I was mostly afraid of grandma’s voice. I hated screaming from then on.
I was a pretty chubby kid growing up, and once I hit the 4th grade, I obsessively hated my body, and my grandmother only fueled my hatred for it. Often times she called me a pig and a slob because of how much I weighed and didn’t clean up after myself. I hated my body from then on.
Then my grandfather died in 2018. Most of my own self hatred didn’t stem from his death at all— it stemmed from her reaction. Losing your husband must be pretty hard, but she was still a completely normal person throughout most of that time compared to my mom and I. She turned to alcoholism (which, thankfully, stopped!) and I turned to self-harm. My grandma found out and she forced us all into therapy.
All it did was give me one mindset: there’s something wrong with me. My own self loathing just kept growing and growing from that moment onwards. I’ve starved myself and lost 30 lbs, I shut myself out from talking to either my mom or my grandma (only RECENTLY have I been able to feel safe talking to my mom), I ignored my friends, I turned myself to one person who doesn’t deserve any of the garbage I load onto him everyday, and all around I’ve become a pathetic excuse of a former honor-rolls student. Her gorgeous and blatant transphobia/homophobia never helped me, either.

I feel like I’m overreacting to something. Sorry. Someone can just come in and tell me that people have worse problems than me (believe me, I know people have worse problems than me) and that I should be happy.
Oh wait, my grandma told me that one, too.

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4 minutes ago, Goggles-kun said:

Ok I’m only asking/venting because I have no one else to talk to (woohoo! No one will read this!)

I feel like I’m being verbally abused by my grandmother. I am very afraid of her and I suspect my mom is too; after all, she admitted that she is completely scared of engaging in arguments with her.
I also firmly believe most of my anxiety stems from my grandmother. Before my grandpa died, my grandmother would frequently have fights over the smallest things, and they really liked to yell at each other. I was mostly afraid of grandma’s voice. I hated screaming from then on.
I was a pretty chubby kid growing up, and once I hit the 4th grade, I obsessively hated my body, and my grandmother only fueled my hatred for it. Often times she called me a pig and a slob because of how much I weighed and didn’t clean up after myself. I hated my body from then on.
Then my grandfather died in 2018. Most of my own self hatred didn’t stem from his death at all— it stemmed from her reaction. Losing your husband must be pretty hard, but she was still a completely normal person throughout most of that time compared to my mom and I. She turned to alcoholism (which, thankfully, stopped!) and I turned to self-harm. My grandma found out and she forced us all into therapy.
All it did was give me one mindset: there’s something wrong with me. My own self loathing just kept growing and growing from that moment onwards. I’ve starved myself and lost 30 lbs, I shut myself out from talking to either my mom or my grandma (only RECENTLY have I been able to feel safe talking to my mom), I ignored my friends, I turned myself to one person who doesn’t deserve any of the garbage I load onto him everyday, and all around I’ve become a pathetic excuse of a former honor-rolls student. Her gorgeous and blatant transphobia/homophobia never helped me, either.

I feel like I’m overreacting to something. Sorry. Someone can just come in and tell me that people have worse problems than me (believe me, I know people have worse problems than me) and that I should be happy.
Oh wait, my grandma told me that one, too.

I feel like my usual optimism won't work here so I'll try a different approach...

Your problems are valid. What she's saying sounds horrible and I can't imagine what I'd do in your situation.

While it's good to be happy about what you have and to be aware of the people around the world dying in wars or starving to death, that doesn't make your problems any less important. That mindset only works for minor inconviniences, not verbal abuse and self hatred. You aren't the one who needs to change, it's your grandmother. You're good just the way you are. I'm sorry that you have to deal with her.

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I’m not very experienced in these issues I’m pretty bad at comforting people but you mentioned needing someone to vent or talk to (at least that’s how I’m interpreting it) so I’m going to try my best. I think she definitely is verbally abusing you. Being called a pig or a slob at such a young age sounds traumatic, you didn’t deserve that treatment at all. Your problems are just as important as everyone else’s, we’ll never blame you for needing to vent or talk to someone. We love you and stay safe ❤️ 

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29 minutes ago, Goggles-kun said:

Ok I’m only asking/venting because I have no one else to talk to (woohoo! No one will read this!)

I feel like I’m being verbally abused by my grandmother. I am very afraid of her and I suspect my mom is too; after all, she admitted that she is completely scared of engaging in arguments with her.
I also firmly believe most of my anxiety stems from my grandmother. Before my grandpa died, my grandmother would frequently have fights over the smallest things, and they really liked to yell at each other. I was mostly afraid of grandma’s voice. I hated screaming from then on.
I was a pretty chubby kid growing up, and once I hit the 4th grade, I obsessively hated my body, and my grandmother only fueled my hatred for it. Often times she called me a pig and a slob because of how much I weighed and didn’t clean up after myself. I hated my body from then on.
Then my grandfather died in 2018. Most of my own self hatred didn’t stem from his death at all— it stemmed from her reaction. Losing your husband must be pretty hard, but she was still a completely normal person throughout most of that time compared to my mom and I. She turned to alcoholism (which, thankfully, stopped!) and I turned to self-harm. My grandma found out and she forced us all into therapy.
All it did was give me one mindset: there’s something wrong with me. My own self loathing just kept growing and growing from that moment onwards. I’ve starved myself and lost 30 lbs, I shut myself out from talking to either my mom or my grandma (only RECENTLY have I been able to feel safe talking to my mom), I ignored my friends, I turned myself to one person who doesn’t deserve any of the garbage I load onto him everyday, and all around I’ve become a pathetic excuse of a former honor-rolls student. Her gorgeous and blatant transphobia/homophobia never helped me, either.

I feel like I’m overreacting to something. Sorry. Someone can just come in and tell me that people have worse problems than me (believe me, I know people have worse problems than me) and that I should be happy.
Oh wait, my grandma told me that one, too.

This is going to sound horrible because its 2:00 am and im tired, but-

 

I honestly get how you feel. Like, it's horribly familiar. My own (biological) father is like that. I didn't meet him until I was ten, and I always wondered why my mom kept me away from him, because he seemed so nice. He spent about a year being nice to me, before he started to load all his criticism onto me. 

Since he'd spent so long manipulating me, I believed everything he said. I believed that I was pathetic. I believed that I was disgusting. I believed that I was going to hell.

I loved him anyway, I always had to make excuses for this grown man's behavior. He's an aggressive person, and a lot of days ended with my twelve year old self dragging him away from a fight with a cut on my arm or a bruise on my face, all because he couldn't control his anger. 

I finally understood why my mom was afraid of him. I was just sleeping on the couch, and then out of nowhere I woke up. Something didn't feel right.

A moment later, a frickin bat was bashed over my head. I turned around-and there he was, holding a bat. I ran to the bathroom with my phone and called the police, and they showed up just before he about bashed the doorknob off to get to me.

He's been in prison for nearly four years. I only visited him once. All he said was 'so, did it work?'

Turns out he hit me in the head with a bat to try and make me straight. I have no idea why he thought that would work, but who knows what went on in his head. He's one of the reasons that I can barely sleep at night now, or even go someplace dark. Im always terrified that he'll be hiding somewhere. 

He always seemed off, in a way. Like he faked all emotions except anger. He was informed that his sister died, just shrugged. His mother? Eh, she sucked anyway. Son? Who cares, never knew him well.

He's done so much horribly irreversible damage to me-mentally and physically-but I opted to forget him. I was afraid that he hid in the dark, so at night, I stared straight into it. I let him know-even if he wasnt there-that he could do all he wanted. I didn't care for him anymore.

All we can really do is hold out, it wont be like this forever. What happened with my dad only lasted three years at most, and it felt faster than it actually was. You wont be stuck forever, trust me.

Just remember that your grandmother cant possibly know you better than yourself. She's just some bitter old lady that cant keep her opinions to herself. 

Sorry this was so long, :')

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1 hour ago, Clover said:

Turns out he hit me in the head with a bat to try and make me straight. I have no idea why he thought that would work, but who knows what went on in his head. He's one of the reasons that I can barely sleep at night now, or even go someplace dark. Im always terrified that he'll be hiding somewhere. 

Oh... Oh no... Sorry that you had to go through all that

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5 minutes ago, Bucket Friend said:

Oh... Oh no... Sorry that you had to go through all that

You don't have to be sorry, im starting to get better

I've been through worse, trust me, a bat wasn't going to kill me

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2 hours ago, Goggles-kun said:

I feel like I’m overreacting to something. Sorry. Someone can just come in and tell me that people have worse problems than me (believe me, I know people have worse problems than me) and that I should be happy.
Oh wait, my grandma told me that one, too.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, that sounds really traumatic and I really hope things get better for you.

Can I just say, just because some other people have it worse it isn't an excuse not to feel bad for yourself. Yes, you should be grateful for all the good things you have. But don't just squash and bottle up your emotions. Your pain and sorrow is valid, and you have the right to express it. You may find that other people have had worse things happen to them, but that's not a factor in how miserable you feel about something. And if others don't think your situation is bad, just remember that they're not you. Only YOU know the intensity of your pain, don't let others decide that. You aren't overreacting.  We won't blame you for needing to vent ❤️ 

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2 hours ago, Clover said:

A moment later, a frickin bat was bashed over my head.

okay
so the first time i read this i actually genuinely thought you meant the animal--

this would destroy my soul and my head
i mean im thankful that nothing like this has ever happened to me, but because of that, i would be incapable of dealing with it if it ever did happen.

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