Escape - A Wings of Fire Fanfic - Feedback/Critique Thread

[Crazy Dragon Lady]

I need constructive criticism for my latest Fanfic! It's a work in progress, don't worry. Please say what you like, and then say what you think could be improved.

Chapter One:

Execution was in the middle of a training session when she was interrupted by her aunt, who was standing in the mouth of the limestone cave with a calculating expression.

"Hello." Corruption said to Execution’s trainer. "Just coming to check on how my niece's training is coming along." She narrowed her eyes at her niece.

Her trainer frowned. He cleared his throat. "Alright Execution, from the top."

Execution nodded, then prepared to counter an attack.

“Really?" Corruption said in a skeptical, narrowing her eyes at Execution’s trainer. "Five years and that's all you've taught her?" She shuffled her talons, kicking up dust, causing Execution to sneeze.

"I'm getting there." Her trainer grumbled. He flapped his wings, propelling the dust away.

"Enough." Corruption snapped. "I'm taking over this pathetic excuse for a training session. Execution, kill him.“ She flicked her spear-tipped tail at the trainer, turning to glare at him.

"That wasn't part of our deal." Her trainer hissed. This time he was the one kicking up dust.

"Get over it." Corruption growled. She narrowed her eyes to keep the dust out.

Execution's eyes widened. She wasn't going to do that. She stepped back, planting her talons firmly in the dirt and stayed there, wings folded neatly along her sides. "N-no." She stammered, looking slightly panicked.

"What was that?" Corruption snapped, tail lashing dangerously.

"No!" She cried, tensing. "I won't kill him." She flinched, hoping she wasn’t going to be punished.

"Alright then, no meals for the rest of the week." Corruption hissed.

"What?" Execution cried. "That's not fair!"

But Corruption was already gone. Vanished before Execution could protest or do anything.

Execution looked at her trainer - Was that sympathy in his eyes? - She didn't stop to decipher it. She bolted out of the door, running over to the seal. The seal was tan, with a pale green outline. It was covered in intricate patterns, and was the only beauty in this dark underground kingdom. The only not-beautiful thing about it was its purpose, trapping the changelings down here for thousands of years.

I have to get out of this kingdom. She thought, tears glistening in her eyes. She punched the stone-hard seal, as if that would do anything.

The ground began to shake, and cracks formed in the seal, right along the spiral, flowery patterns. It caved in, collapsing with a loud crash, hopefully not loud enough for anyone else to hear.

"What..?" Execution whispered. She stepped out of the kingdom and into the bright yellow sunlight for the first time in her life, into a world—or rather a rainforest, it seemed—full of life and color.

 

Chapter Two:
 

Execution took a breath of fresh air, feeling the warmth of the sunlight on her scales as it shone through the dew-covered treetops.

The sky was a bright shade of blue that Execution had never seen in the darkness of her underground home. It was astonishing. Really the whole rainforest was bursting with colors she hadn’t seen.

Suddenly Execution heard a twig snap and dove into a nearby bush to hide.

From the bushes, she could see two dragons-RainWings. she remembered-walking through the forest. It looked like an older sister and her younger sibling.

“I don’t understand why you wanted to come out here.” The older sister said. “There’s nothing here.”

“I heard something from over here, okay?” Said the younger one, who couldn’t be older than two years. They looked at a patch of purple flowers that Execution must’ve stepped on by accident, curious.

The older one frowned. “Don’t eat the Nightshade flowers. I’m pretty sure they’re poisonous.”

“I wasn’t going to.” The younger one said. They pointed to the flower patch. “See? I was right. Something was here!” They exclaimed.

The older one sighed. “Meadow, it was probably some kind of animal. There’s nothing here.”

“But-“ Meadow stammered. “Chrysanthemum, there was an earthquake right here.”

“Let’s just go home.” Chrysanthemum said.

Meadow sighed. “Fine…” they said dejectedly. They walked right past the bush, not noticing it.

Execution heard their talonsteps walking away and let out a sigh of relief. She looked at the flowers. Hmm. She thought, observing their wet, darkened purple color. She shifted into a rainwing form, one that was purple, blue, and green. Nightshade… She thought curiously. That gives me an idea.

 

Chapter Three:

Execution heard a roar from the direction of the seal and jumped. It’s Corruption! Execution panicked. She’s gonna find me! Execution leaped into the air and flew off. Well, mostly flew. She’d never flown before, so she kept dropping unexpectedly and had to pick herself back up before she plummeted to the ground. And the rainforest wasn’t helping her case. Dodging branches was hard when you could barely fly without obstacles.

Eventually she stopped near a tunnel, getting a weird prickling feeling from being near it. That was creepy. She froze when she heard voices coming from the other end of it.

“How long are we gonna have to wait here?” The first voice asked.
“As long as it takes for one of them to arrive.” The second answered.
“Seems like a lot of waiting for someone who may or may not show up.” The first voice grumbled.
There was a barking sound and a scoff from the first voice.
“No, I am not complaining.” Snapped the first voice. “I’m just…stating a fact.”
“Nix, be nice.” Said the second dragon, but not to the first. How odd. “But he’s right, Flurry, please stop grumbling.”
Another bark.
“Yes, why would Prophet lie? She can see the future, and her visions are picture perfect.” The second voice agreed…with the animal that was barking? What?
“Alright, stop disagreeing with everything I say, you two.” The first dragon said. “But Glimmer, what if Prophet’s powers are weaker since she doesn’t have her magic book?”
“That’s not what the book was for. That just helped her change the future. She could already see it.”
“Fine. I’ll just…wait…for many more hours.”
“They’ll be here soon.”

Execution didn’t understand. Who were they waiting for? They barely seemed to know anything about this dragon. And who was Prophet? Why did the second dragon seem to be talking to...some kind of animal? She pondered these thoughts as she sat in silence. Once she felt she’d pondered them enough, she stood up, and accidentally slipped on a wet leaf. She slid down and crashed into a large, mahogany tree, right in front of the tunnel. When she tried to stand up, she yelped in pain, realizing she’d injured her wrist. She turned to see the dragons she’d been listening to, who were gazing at her with befuddled expressions.

One was a large, male Ice Dragon - IceWing, she corrected herself. - And the other was a pale pink female IceWing, who looked younger than Execution. Between them both was a young arctic wolf pup with glowing green eyes.

“Are you alright?” The little dragon asked, flapping her wings slightly.

“Y-yes.” Execution stammered with a wince. “F-Fine.” No I am NOT fine. The world is ending and it’s all my fault. It felt like the world was spinning, throwing her off-balance, and she suddenly felt slightly drowsy. Oh NO. She thought, feeling dizzy. My powers must be draining my energy. She tried to stay conscious, knowing that if she slipped off now, these dragons would see her true form, and she had no idea what their intentions were. Or who they were waiting for.

But she felt far too tired, and sleeping sounded better than explaining why she was here to these…these strangers.

The little pink dragon was saying something to her, but she couldn’t understand it anymore. Everything sounded muffled for some reason, and soon Execution collapsed, slipping off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

[TabaxiDragon]

I like it, bit confusing at first, but I suppose eventually the facts will smooth out.

[Crazy Dragon Lady]

Yeah it was originally gonna be on fandom, where I've used this OC. My pinglist mainly consisted of people who've roleplayed with me while I was using her before.

[Crazy Dragon Lady]

13 minutes ago, Dragonkid9 said:

I like it, bit confusing at first, but I suppose eventually the facts will smooth out.

Just wait till you see what I've got in store... >:)