Past midnight vent on a school night because I just spent half an hour crying over nothing

[Lilytuft]

Making a vent post doesn't count as continuosly spreading negativity in the community, right?

Sorry if this comes off as begging for attention

None of you should feel pressured to read this wall of text. I just need to get this out. You're not a therapist and aren't required to help especially since this isn't anything serious, just my self-caused problems. I'm fully aware that there are people out there with real problems that are way worse than mine.

This is gonna be badly worded and full of typos. I'm shaking and should be asleep. I'll probably regret this in the morning.

Now, this isn't about something going badly in my life or anything. I'm fine. My life is fine. Today was a good day, at least until I got out of school and spent the rest of the day doing literally nothing productive. I couldn't even start my homework. But I had fun practising for the school dance and the sky was pretty and I loved history class. And that last part hurts because it's a reminder that I was a person with actual interests (besides whatever book or series I'm into at the moment) once.

When homeschool started back in 2020 I lost my ability to get things done. I had already struggled with personal projects but since then it extended to schoolwork as well. And that hasn't changed even now that school's normal again. My schoolwork piles up and I get too stressed to fo any of it. oAnd as a result I feel like any time I'm not doing school assignments I'm wasting time. I'm gonna be 18 next summer and I can't even go to bed in time! Without noticing I've slowly given up/forgotten most of my interests and become a boring shell of a person. I've spent so long telling myself I'm nothing special that it's become reality. Before I thought I was just moving on to different things and that the only constant hoby was art, but the fact is I haven't really gotten any new interests to replace the old ones. I see something I used to be into and I go "Oh I used to love that! I should do that again sometime" but I never do because I always have something more important I should be doing. And the worst thing is, it doesn't just apply to hobbies. I feel like I don't appreciate my rats nearly enough. /TW animal death (This may also be because of their short lifespan. I remember having a hard time getting attached to Pippuri and Papu after we lost out previous rats. Luckily I ended up forming a really close bond with Papu, but she died at the end of last summer at only a little over a year old. I just don't have such a close relationship with the rest of the pack)

If you made it this far, thank you. If you have a moment, could you let me know what kind of a person you see me as? (No pressure, feel free to ignore this) It doesn't have to be overly positive, in fact, if you outright hate me, let me know! But seriously, you can include negative things if you want. Makes it feel more honest if anything

You know, I think part of the reason I started thinking about this is that I googled the meaning of a song called Suurin Tragedia ("The Greatest Tragedy") and found out it's about how perhaps the most tragic thing for an average (Finnish) person living in a town in the modern times is the fear of not living an interesting life

[Lilytuft]

By the way I'm okay now, writing that out really helped

To anyone who sees this; you're amazing, thank you for existing

[Chiyanna]

7 minutes ago, Lilytuft with antlers said:

Making a vent post doesn't count as continuosly spreading negativity in the community, right?

Sorry if this comes off as begging for attention

None of you should feel pressured to read this wall of text. I just need to get this out. You're not a therapist and aren't required to help especially since this isn't anything serious, just my self-caused problems. I'm fully aware that there are people out there with real problems that are way worse than mine.

This is gonna be badly worded and full of typos. I'm shaking and should be asleep. I'll probably regret this in the morning.

Now, this isn't about something going badly in my life or anything. I'm fine. My life is fine. Today was a good day, at least until I got out of school and spent the rest of the day doing literally nothing productive. I couldn't even start my homework. But I had fun practising for the school dance and the sky was pretty and I loved history class. And that last part hurts because it's a reminder that I was a person with actual interests (besides whatever book or series I'm into at the moment) once.

When homeschool started back in 2020 I lost my ability to get things done. I had already struggled with personal projects but since then it extended to schoolwork as well. And that hasn't changed even now that school's normal again. My schoolwork piles up and I get too stressed to fo any of it. oAnd as a result I feel like any time I'm not doing school assignments I'm wasting time. I'm gonna be 18 next summer and I can't even go to bed in time! Without noticing I've slowly given up/forgotten most of my interests and become a boring shell of a person. I've spent so long telling myself I'm nothing special that it's become reality. Before I thought I was just moving on to different things and that the only constant hoby was art, but the fact is I haven't really gotten any new interests to replace the old ones. I see something I used to be into and I go "Oh I used to love that! I should do that again sometime" but I never do because I always have something more important I should be doing. And the worst thing is, it doesn't just apply to hobbies. I feel like I don't appreciate my rats nearly enough. /TW animal death (This may also be because of their short lifespan. I remember having a hard time getting attached to Pippuri and Papu after we lost out previous rats. Luckily I ended up forming a really close bond with Papu, but she died at the end of last summer at only a little over a year old. I just don't have such a close relationship with the rest of the pack)

If you made it this far, thank you. If you have a moment, could you let me know what kind of a person you see me as? (No pressure, feel free to ignore this) It doesn't have to be overly positive, in fact, if you outright hate me, let me know! But seriously, you can include negative things if you want. Makes it feel more honest if anything

You know, I think part of the reason I started thinking about this is that I googled the meaning of a song called Suurin Tragedia ("The Greatest Tragedy") and found out it's about how perhaps the most tragic thing for an average (Finnish) person living in a town in the modern times is the fear of not living an interesting life

I don't know you that well but you've always been kind to me and you're art is amazing!

You are not alone in your struggle to find purpose and motivation. And you are a unique person created for a purpose. God loves you even when you fail.

[Chiyanna]

18 minutes ago, Lilytuft with antlers said:

By the way I'm okay now, writing that out really helped

To anyone who sees this; you're amazing, thank you for existing

Venting can often help. It's good that it helped you! Get some sleep if you can

[MAТТRESS]

dude trust me you are 100% not the only one struggling with being motivated. i totally get that way too with like "oh my gosh school!! wait, no - art! wait, plan for future?? no. wait. reading!!" and then i just spend all day on the internet procrastinating everything haha

as for what type of person i see you as, i dont really know you very well but you honestly seem like a person who's making improvements in her life and just trying her best. of course its hard to gage someones personality online, but you always seem very friendly and open. something important to remember is that you are exactly who you are meant to be right now. even if you feel lost or feel you have so much improvement to make in your life, you are the person that you are supposed to be right now. like chiyanna said - you are created for a purpose! so even if you feel like youre "nothing special," you are :]

[lizardcake]

Don't worry. I, uh.. I don't really have anything to say, but if it makes you feel any better, take this Ossen doodle.

[Applesauce]

I’m sorry you feel this way and im glad venting it out helped you. I know so many people who are in the same boat with what happened when schools shut down. It’s been really rough.