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Fade: I woke up and chose VIOLENCE. I WILL COMMIT ARSON AND BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND!!! I AM ANGRY-

Nutella Monster: Awwww, you’re so adorable! Give me a hug~

Fade: Wh-What? nO, yOURE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED OF ME! TREMBLE BEFORE MY WRATH-

Blizzard, recording: This is so cute.

~~

Fade: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.

Blizzard: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.

Fade: Not when you’re playing with Nutella Monster, it’s not. They put words like “ephemeral” and I put “dog.”

~~

Nutella Monster: Welcome to FREAKING Applebees, do you want apples or bees?

Blizzard: Bees?

Nutella Monster: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!

Blizzard: Wait-

*Fade approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*

~~

Blizzard: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.

Fade: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Blizzard: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Nutella Monster: Edible.

~~

*Fade is casually searching around the room*

Nutella Monster: Hey Fade, what’re you looking for?

Fade: My will to live.

*Blizzard walks into the room*

Fade: Oh, there it is.

~~

Fade: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Blizzard: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

Nutella Monster: A realist sees a freight train.

Abyss: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

~~

Blizzard: Fade, we're hungry!

Abyss: Fade! What's for dinner?

Nutella Monster: We're hungry, Fade!

Fade, frying a bottle of ketchup over the stove: *screams*

~~

Fade: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything?

Abyss: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Fade: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you.

Abyss: But I heard a siren.

Blizzard: That was Nutella Monster.

Nutella Monster: Sorry, I got nervous.

~~

Nutella Monster: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

Fade: *crouches down*

Abyss: *kneels down*

Blizzard: *sits on the floor*

Nutella Monster:

Nutella Monster: I hate all of you.

~~

*In a horror movie situation*

Nutella Monster: I've got no service on my phone here.

Blizzard: Shoot, my battery just died.

Fade: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.

Abyss: Guys, my phone is a book.

@no.THIS IS SO TRUE BABHAHA

~~

Abyss & Blizzard in the back of Fade’s car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!

Nutella Monster: We have food at home.

Fade: *pulls into the McDonald's drive through*

Abyss Blizzard: YAYYYYYY!

Fade: *orders one black coffee and leaves*

~~

Fade: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Blizzard: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Fade: Absolutely not.

~~

Fade: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.

Fade: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

~~

Nutella Monster, setting down a card: Ace of spades.

Fade, pulling out an Uno card: +4.

Abyss, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you!

Blizzard, trembling: What are we playing?!

~~

Fade: ARE YOU-

Nutella Monster: Bleeping.

Fade: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Nutella Monster: Bleeping.

Fade: IDIOT!

Abyss: …What was that?

Nutella Monster: Blizzard banned Fade from swearing, so I’m helping them out.

~~

Nutella Monster: You're smiling. What happened?

Fade: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it?

Blizzard: Abyss tripped and fell down the stairs today.

~~

Nutella Monster: You’re just being paranoid. Again.

Fade: When have I been paranoid?

Nutella Monster: Um, when you first met Abyss you thought they were an undercover cop…?

Fade: No one has a wart that big, I thought it was a surveillance camera!

Nutella Monster: And last year you were sure Blizzard was a mermaid!

Fade: They hate wearing shirts! COINCIDENCE?!

*Later, when Fade’s theory is proven wrong*

Nutella Monster: Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Fade: I still think Blizzard is a mermaid.

~~

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword*

Fade: Rude.

Abyss: That's fair.

Blizzard: Not again.

Nutella Monster: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

~~

Blizzard: Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Fade. They're mad at you.

Fade: No, it's Nutella Monster. They're just being gramatically correct!

*meanwhile*

Nutella Monster: And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.

Abyss: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.

Nutella Monster: I stand by my choice.

~~

Blizzard, Fade & Abyss: *screaming*

Nutella Monster: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Abyss?!

Blizzard: Wait, why are you asking Abyss that when Fade and I are also here?

Nutella Monster: Because Abyss wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

~~

Fade: Hi, could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire??

Abyss: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

Blizzard: Why were you microwaving a lemon???

Abyss: I read boiling lemons helps cover up up bad smells (I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges) but I didn't own any pots.

Nutella Monster: Did you burn an orange too? How???

Abyss: Microwave for 40 minutes. 😔

~~

Fade: *Gasp*

Blizzard: wHAT??

Fade: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Blizzard: *inhales*

Nutella Monster, in another room with Abyss: Why can I hear screeching?

~~

*Everyone is playing a board game together

Abyss: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.

Fade: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.

Blizzard: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.

Nutella Monster: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.

Fade: *flips the board*

~~

Abyss: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?

Nutella Monster: Put spaghetti in it.

Abyss: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you.

Blizzard: Put spaghetti in it.

Abyss: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two.

Fade: Put spaghetti in it.

Abyss: I am no longer taking suggestions.

~~

Fade: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?

Nutella Monster: Um, murder???

Abyss: Adventuring!

Blizzard: Tuesday.

~~

Blizzard: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Fade, Abyss, & Nutella Monster: Okay.

Blizzard: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Nutella Monster: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Fade: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.

Abyss: Bold of you to assume I can die.

~~

Nutella Monster: Christmas is cancelled.

Abyss: You can't cancel a holiday.

Nutella Monster: Keep it up, Abyss, and you'll lose New Year's too.

Abyss: What does that mean?

Nutella Monster: Blizzard, take New Year's away from Abyss.

~~

Abyss: I'm bored.

Blizzard: Wanna commit first degree murder?

Abyss: Sure!

Nutella Monster, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Fade down!!

~~

Nutella Monster: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!

Abyss: You left me, Blizzard, and Fade in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.

Nutella Monster: I did that on purpose, try again.

~~

Abyss: You have friends and I envy that.

Nutella Monster: You're welcome to share my friends.

Abyss: *looks at Fade and Blizzard*

Abyss: I don't want those.

~~

Abyss, pointing to the wall: What color is this?

Blizzard: Gray.

Fade: Grey.

Abyss, turning to Nutella Monster: Now tell them what color you think it is.

Nutella Monster: Dark white.

~~

Nutella Monster: How did none of you hear what I just said?!

Abyss: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Fade: I got distracted halfway through.

Blizzard: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

~~

Nutella Monster, watching Blizzard and Abyss fight: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

Fade, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.

Nutella Monster: Then... who’s the strongest out of you three?

Blizzard: Fade.

Abyss: Fade.

Fade: Me.

~~

Blizzard: What if people had food names and food had people names?

Abyss: Hey, spaghetti, we’re having Blizzard for dinner.

Nutella Monster: What is wrong with you people?

Fade: Shut up, chocolate.

~~

Blizzard: Die.

Fade: Please don't die!

Blizzard: DIE!

Fade: PLEASE DON'T DIE!

Nutella Monster, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?

Abyss, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and Fade wants Blizzard to accept it as their kid.

~~

Nutella Monster: You guys worried about Blizzard?

Abyss: Totally!

Fade: Yeah, they called me in the middle of the night and just yelled, "what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?"

Nutella Monster: And what'd you say?

Fade: "I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, I dunno."

Abyss:

Nutella Monster: They're lucky to have you as a friend.

~~

Fade, teaching Abyss to drive: Okay, you're driving and Nutella Monster and Blizzard walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Abyss: Oh, definitely Blizzard. I could never hurt Nutella Monster.

Fade, massaging their temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

~~

Nutella Monster: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Nutella Monster: *aggressively throws water bottles*

Blizzard: Uh... what's up with them?

Abyss: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Nutella Monster: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Fade, crying: It's working.

~~

BAHAHHAHAH THATS AMAZINGT

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IN THE TIME OF THE SPLATFEST

Big Man: Guys, Shiver is missing.
Frye: Good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Man: Would you slap Frye-
Shiver: Yes.
Big Man: I didn't even finish!
Shiver: Sorry, continue.
Big Man: Would you slap Frye for 10 dollars?
Shiver: I would do it for free.
Frye: Rude...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Man: Frye has no survival skills, their need to win has replaced them.
Shiver: That can't be true!
Big Man: Watch this.
Big Man: Hey Frye, race you to the bottom of the stairs!
Frye: *Throws themself out a window*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Frye: Do you think different paints have different tastes?
Shiver: They do.
Big Man: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Man: Shiver, I know you love Frye. I mean, we all do, they’re a very nice person and I respect them immensely.
Big Man: But I think they might be an idiot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Man: I think Shiver is in trouble.
Frye: Alright. Struggling to give a crap, if I’m honest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shiver: I know we’re not exactly friends, but-
Big Man: What do you want?
Shiver: I've been stuck with Frye for 2 weeks and they've been drinking all the soy sauce.
Shiver: Help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPLATOON 3 SPLATFEST

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